Welcome to PURELOCAL, a next-generation experiential craft eatery experience that was certainly not closed by the city health department for a record-setting 87 code violations. We are open to business and committed to your dining satisfaction. We have simply pivoted our operations.
Love the convenience of BYOB? We’ve taken it to the next level, baby. Our organic farm-to-table eatery is now also BYOM (Bring Your Own Meals). That’s right. You bring the food, we bring all the vibes you could ever ask for. We’re not sure what kind of vibe the barbed wire fence and occasional local TV news crew lurking around the property provides, but surely it is adventurous, right?
Our BYOM twist provides an unforgettable bespoke dining experience that accommodates any food sensitivities you may have and also the fact that we are unlicensed since our kitchen was invaded by three men in biohazard suits and triple-padlocked in June. We have been tweeting at them every day asking for the key. Please use the hashtag #JusticeForPURELOCAL to join the fight.
In the meantime, keep in mind that we are also a BYOF (Bring Your Own Furniture) eatery, as the free-range rats and rescue termites that we welcomed into our eatery as an intentional communal gesture unrelated to any sort of “sanitation oversight” unfortunately chewed up every one of our wooden chairs and tables. Metal is going to be your best bet here.
Alternatively, for a true connection with the earth as you dine, we also offer ground seating on the rear parking lot asphalt (please steer clear of the marked parking spots reserved for patrons of the drycleaning business next door until after 7 pm) on a strictly first-come, first-served basis. Ask your server.
Last month we amicably parted ways with the local water and sewer utility due to creative differences over billing. However, we offer artisanal copper buckets, hand-woven privacy tents with ethically sourced organic cotton, and ten gallons of hand sanitizer in our lovingly re-imagined restroom “area.” It’s right near our old local beer taps, which no longer work, but we connected them all to an intake pipe that pulls from the little pond in back with that funny algae coating that is probably very similar to kombucha. Unlimited servings on the house, ladies and gents. Porters to probiotics. Now that’s what we call pivoting!
You may have heard that our financial assets were recently seized and point-of-sale system was shut down due to a minor misunderstanding that was sensationalized as an “embezzlement and bribery investigation,” so we are pleased to accept payment via Venmo. Do NOT, under any circumstances, refer to “PURELOCAL,” “food,” “restaurants” or even “yum!” in the memo field of your Venmo transaction. Please label all payments “Uber!” (with exactly three taxi emojis), which we are confident will not attract any additional unwanted attention from law enforcement at this time. And no, our owner is not in prison; he is at a rustic voluntary solo/communal blended meditation retreat for the next 10 to 15 years, or perhaps only a couple days if he achieves enlightenment sooner than expected, or if our old barback Tucker who said he had some connection with the courts comes through with bail money.
Friends, we are so excited to welcome you to the thoroughly reinvented and pivoted PURELOCAL, where your table is always ready because we do not have them. By the way, if you over-imbibe tonight, please use our exclusive referral code PUREPIVOT19 for 15% off a one-night stay at PURECHILL, our next-generation communal experiential microminihotel across the street, which, contrary to media reports, is perfectly legal and was absolutely not stormed by the entire police and fire department plus backup brigades from four neighboring precincts last week.