Has anyone noticed that to like something these days is to instantly doom it to the realm of discontinued and thus endlessly search for an appropriate replacement? For instance, it never fails that as soon as I become a regular consumer of a specific product it instantly vanishes off the face of the Earth. If I decide I love and can't live without a specific brand of shampoo or conditioner—POOF—it's instantly discontinued. Should I take a liking to a particular flavor of coffee—PRESTO—it's gone forever. If I start closet watching a TV show starring a particularly hot vampire chick who I would sooner donate my own blood to then see her canceled—BLAM—show gone forever. Don't even lie guys, the only reason you watch any vampire show is for the occasional scantily clad hottie, dressed in all black, that you know for a fact will suck.
Is it just me or are we all cursed to endlessly search for replacements? Starbucks recently discontinued the flavor "Almond" as an additive to their coffee. Now I ask you, are more people really purchasing stuffed animals at Starbucks than adding the flavor Almond to their coffee? Seriously, there is a three foot by three foot giant basket of stuffed bears that I for one have NEVER seen anywhere in the world other than at a Starbucks—not on people's desks, not in their homes…nowhere! Yet for some reason the store doesn't have space for a little bottle of Almond syrup amongst the twelve other obscure flavors?! Are you telling me that more people flavor their coffee with "Classic" than with Almond?
What the hell is Classic anyway, and since when have we started flavoring coffees with adjectives instead of actual flavors? I'm sorry Starbucks, but with 42,000 additional selection criteria available for your drinks, you will never convince me that the flavor Almond was a burden to keep around. Plus, when given the choice of Classic or Almond flavor I'm pretty sure the general public will choose an ACTUAL FLAVOR over a time period to put in their coffee. I hear the next thing to go are the breakfast sandwiches that I buy almost every morning. But thank God though if I ever decide I need to buy 27 copies of Cranium I'll know exactly where to go.
You can thank this trophy wife for pushing out all the regular coffee flavors in favor of ones like "Bahama Mama." I believe the reason things keep getting discontinued is because they've gotten way too specialized. These days you need to have access to a scanning electron microscope to get the exact dimensions of all the items around your house before you venture out to play the role of consumer. For instance, women can't even buy straight bobby pins anymore, but they can, however, buy ones that are curved and contoured specifically to their heads. Wait…what?? Does that mean that all the women out there who actually still use bobby pins have to now go and get their skull measured for its appropriate curvature? Would the universe explode if two different kinds of bobby pins existed next to each other in the store…straight AND curved?!
Then take Ziploc and garbage bags for example. There seems to be an entire aisle these days devoted to all different shapes and sizes. Whatever happened to small, medium and large?? Plus, because I purchased my trash can at Bed Bath and Beyond, if I want to buy liners, I am instructed to order them directly from the manufacturer so that I don't have any extra "unsightly bag" hanging out over the side of the can. Since when did showing a little extra bag on your trash can become a huge faux pas? Am I going to have to start tying little decorative bows individually on my trash items in case someone throws something away and actually looks in the trash directly? Oh the horror! It's a trash can people…a little unsightliness is implied in the name.
While we're on the subject of discontinued things, I would like to take this opportunity to send out a personal apology to all unemployed actors and actresses out there in TV land (in addition to any disgruntled viewers): If you recently had a show of yours canceled, that was certainly my fault. Apparently my DVR is directly linked to every single television network, so if I happen to get so into a show that I am compelled to press the record button, it instantly sends a signal to the network airing the show to cancel it. I know I shouldn't press that button…I know it's even colored red to deter me from pressing it, but sometimes instead of sitting at home watching television I have been known to actually do something social like going out with those other people…..what are they called again? Oh right….friends.
So I invariably press record, indicating to the universe that I actually enjoy watching a particular show and POW the show is canceled within a week. Needless to say, the writers' strike was entirely my fault. I went on vacation the week preceding the strike and set the VCR to automatically record everything I usually watch. It wasn't until I got back and read the newspapers that I realized what I had inadvertently done…so I AM sorry about that. However, if you are wondering why America's Funniest Home Videos is still on the air after nineteen years, it's simply because I don't find it funny when someone maims themselves armed only with their own stupidity, thus I don't watch it.
On the bright side though, I have a lot more free time on my hands now that every TV show I watched has been canceled. Of course, most of it is spent searching for a trash can liner that doesn't show any skin.