For me, public washrooms are the bane of the human condition. I go to great lengths—with much personal discomfort—to avoid any encounters with facilities that are not my own posterior's personal porcelain pedestal. This neurosis requires a couple of subtle lifestyle changes that will minimize the potential of using a shared shithouse: first, you should never be more than 38 minutes away from your throne, and second, Taco Bell is only permissible if you are dining at home and have nothing to do the next day.
But even if you schedule your meal and reading times in accordance with the approximate fecal gestation period (~24 hours) you still might have to go to DEFCON 1 and use a public toilet. Be strong and take solace in the fact that Jesus wept. In the event of such an emergency, I have put together a simple guide to help you deal with the stress and anxiety of the situation.
The Outdoor Adventure: A Guide to Public Washrooms
Public washrooms and the wilderness have a lot in common. They are both uncomfortable, scary, and teeming with microorganisms. Luckily, you have the best tool available to help with survival in the wild: toilet paper. Toilet paper is made from trees. In the forest, wood from trees is used to make fire, and according to Jeff Probst, "fire represents life." So if you are ever in a public washroom without toilet paper, may God have mercy on your soul. This guide will give you detailed instructions on how to use toilet paper to construct the three items necessary for survival: the raft, nest, and tent.
1. The Raft
The first obstacle you will need to overcome on this adventure is the river. Rivers are treacherous to even the most experienced outdoorsman. You can never tell how deep the water runs or how fast the current is just by looking. So it's time to build a raft! Layer the surface of the water with toilet paper to create a floating raft. The raft protects you from unwelcome splash-back.
Great, you are now safely across the river. It's going to be dark soon so now is a good time to set up camp. Start by building…
2. The Nest
Looks like someone's up nest creek without a raft.The ground is gross and composed of equal parts bugs and dirt. Before setting up your nest, clear the area of all debris and obstacles. To build a proper nest you will require a large quantity of toilet paper. Using the same laying technique as the raft, build your nest on top of the toilet seat, making sure to pad and cover any surface area that has the potential to come into contact with your naked flesh.
It is now time to set the deuce loose.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Strangers, like bears, may wander into your camp and catch you off guard. Don't panic. The best way to deal with this intrusion is to play dead. Don't move or make a sound. Wait them out before continuing.
3. The Tent
You wouldn't camp without one either.You're not out of the woods yet; there is still one last task. The first step to forgetting is destroying the evidence. This is where the tent comes into play. The tent is the protective toilet paper covering layered over your fresh deposit, designed to it from "painting the bowl" when you unleash the violent waves of the river. The tent is important because, when spending time in nature, it is respectful to leave as small of a footprint as possible. This simple effort ensures that future visitors aren't forced to view the stains of biological vandalism left behind by your behind. (The tent may be the most crucial step if you require restroom use at a girl's house.) Once all is said and done you may return to civilization and come up with an excuse for your 45-minute absence.
I hope this guide has been helpful to any and all struggling with lutropublicaphobia. I also hope that I am not the only one with this fear. It would be really weird to write this stuff and have it not be a semi-universal experience.
…Is it just me? It is, isn't it? Ugh.