The Region 2 Office of the New York DEC Division of Air Resources is pleased to announce a new color coding system to simplify NYC area air pollution alerts. The new system utilizes colors that correspond to varying degrees of NYC air pollution emergencies, each color representing the prevailing air smell of the day.
The new system will take effect on July 1, 2018. Until then, NYC residents are advised to assume they will die from toxic fumes every day.
Below is a summary of the new color codes and their corresponding air smells.
Condition Blue: Rotting tuna intestines.
Condition Green: Piers Morgan’s crotch.
Condition Yellow: Charred flesh of twisted mass of human carnage.
Condition Pink: Wombat shit.
Condition Azure: Fermented Chinese food residue from three years ago on Brooklyn Bridge Subway Station steps.
Condition Paisley: Patented Crackhouse Delight air freshener with just a hint of pepper spray designed with the most discriminating drug lords in mind.
Condition Magenta: One ton dirty underwear.
Condition Gold: Dead squirrels.
Condition Beige: Rancid Limburger cheese.
Condition Baby Blue: Queens Municipal Sewage Treatment Plant.
Condition Burnt Sienna: Chlorine gas.
Condition Tan: One ton of dirty underwear, three tons of rancid Limburger cheese, and five tons of dead squirrels.
Condition Fuchsia: Two tons of Limburger cheese, three tons dirty underwear, and the Queens Municipal Sewage Treatment Plant.
Condition Cyan: Ten tons dirty underwear, the Queens Municipal Sewage Treatment Plant, and four tons dead squirrels, with a hint of cyanide gas.
Condition Turquoise: Fetid dung worms drenched in formaldehyde.
Condition Violet: Port Authority Bus Terminal men’s room.
Condition Orange: Stench of mold-encrusted grease pits of Abu Dhabi.
Condition Red: Collective armpit gases of 200,000 sweaty Spartan legions.
Condition Purple: Vomit-laced monkey flatus.
Condition Black: Mayor de Blasio’s anti-fungal socks.