The Fast & The Furious series is famous for a lot of things: fast cars, hairless men, the comedic stylings of Tyrese Gibson—the list goes on and on. But the most enduring facet of the films is clearly their ever-changing titles. To review, the titles have gone from the Faulkner-esque original The Fast & The Furious, to the ludicrous (get it?) 2 Fast 2 Furious, to the colon-tastic The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, to the streamlined Fast & Furious, to the even-more-streamlined Fast Five.
The most recent film in the series, Fast & Furious 6, seems to portend a shift into a more conventional pattern, as the seventh film is tentatively titled Fast & Furious 7. But this is exactly what they want us to think. If I know Vin Diesel, and I don't, this seventh film's title will be something truly unpredictable. Here are some predictions.
A Fast and A Furious
Grammar geeks were outraged by the 2009 release of Fast & Furious, a film that shed the original title of its "the's." A Fast and A Furious is the perfect way to right that wrong, bringing back in those clearly necessary articles. If that doesn't rev your engine (get it?) there's also That Fast & That Furious, Some Fast & Some Furious, and Which Fast & What Furious?
Fa7t & Furiou7
What, you say? This "doesn't make sense?" Hmmmm… I seem to remember a movie called Se7en, and the number 7 looks no more like a V than it does an S. While we're at it, this installment needs a new director and Se7en's (Golden Globe-winning) director David Fincher is one of the best in the game. This one's a #nobrainer.
Fast, Furious, Fearless, Familial, Fiendish, Frantic, & Fabulous
Seven adjectives. The series was once about young drag racers from East LA. Two adjectives were enough. Now the gang is traveling the world, fighting crime, and hanging with The Rock. This title shows how far they've come.
F-Squared: Seven Samurai
I call this a two-for-one. Seven Samurai is a true film classic, and this would set up this installment to be geared (get it?) as a reimagining of Kurosowa's samurai epic. This will attract the older audience. F-Squared is obviously a super badass abbreviation, so that will attract the younger audience. And David Fincher (Director of Alien^3) is clearly a fan of exponents… I smell Golden Globes!
Fast and Furious 7: Star Trek 3
I know what you're thinking, but let me stop you right there. The Fast series has more in common with J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot than you'd think. Both feature fancy technology. Both feature attractive ladies. Both feature seemingly unkillable characters. And both feature crews that are basically families. Also, Paul Walker is kind of identical to Chris Pine (if Chris Pine did too much coke with Scott Caan in the late 90's). I don't know why, but every time I close my eyes I imagine this scene:
INT. USS ENTERPRISE – SPACE DAY
Kirk, Spock, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stand on the bridge.
Kirk: The hyperdrive system is down. Let's just give up.
Spock: That is highly logical.
Vin Diesel (mumbled): Logic went out the window the day I got on this ship.
He pulls out a can of NOS. Paul Walker smiles. The Rock raises one eyebrow.
FADE OUT.
DIRECTED BY DAVID FINCHER
Any questions, Hollywood Foreign Press?
