Lately, man as we know it has become, let's face it, sappy and lady-like.
Unacceptable.
So I'm flipping back to more manly things for a while. It's what I was born to do.
Specifically, I'm going to talk about a phenomenon that's almost as awesome as some kind of hurricane tornado tsunami mix thing. It's the MAN MOMENT!!! and it will explode your face.
The MAN MOMENT is a very rare event when a collective group of men suddenly realize they are of one mind and could change the world with the amount of awesomeness shared between them.
Here's how I came to realize that this phenomenon existed. Not long ago, Joe, Ben and I were each driving our own vehicles to a Tim Horton's to pick up a mass of people. When we drove into the parking lot, we each pulled into a parking spot in spectacular James Bond type style, one next to the other. One, two, three; bang, bang, bang; and so on. It was like something out of Charlie's Angels except with less menstruating and more men.
After completing the ridiculous synchronized park we each looked at each other and gave the patented man nod as we knew we had taken part in a MAN MOMENT!!!
Like this, but with even more awesome.
Admittedly, this moment was fairly mild. The MAN MOMENT has had much more ridiculous results in history.
That's right. History.
First let's look at the Oscars in the year 2000, when we saw two ridiculously awesome and manly movies go head-to-head for Best Picture of the Year. Gladiator vs. Saving Private Ryan. Every man knows these two movies so there's no need to summarize them. However, did you ever wonder how a historically-inaccurate-this-would-probably-never-happen type movie like Gladiator beat out the so-realistic-so-devastatingly-sad Saving Private Ryan for top honors?
It was the MAN MOMENT!!!
"Historical accuracy is for women!"
Though both movies secrete excess amounts of manliness, I guarantee Oscar's male voters experienced the MAN MOMENT when watching Gladiator and checking off their ballot box. Gladiator is a one-man-takes-all kind of testosterone movie where Russell Crowe throws swords, lops heads off, and wears a spiky helmet. On top of that, right before he dies he delegates orders to his new bitch boys, as a man should.
That beats Tom Hanks shooting at a tank with a pistol while dying any day.
Point proven.
Now read on in awe as I solve the great mystery of what started World War I.
No one knows who started World War I. Every time someone writes a valid thesis on the subject, someone else writes a counter-argument that's just as valid. But I figured it out, and it's simple. World War I was a direct result of the MAN MOMENT.
Tensions had been building across Europe for nearly a decade. Everyone was at each others' throats but no one was willing to do anything about it. Germany was always plotting, Russia was an angry drunk, and Britain was in the mood to fuck shit up. Oh, and France kept slapping people—it was embarrassing.
And then in 1914, this happened:
"Ow, my face."
Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot and killed. It was right after this that all of the Axis countries looked at each other and gave the man nod, and all of the Allied countries looked at each other and gave each other the man nod, and a phenomenon never seen before or since happened: a DOUBLE MAN MOMENT!!!
Two MAN MOMENTS happened at once and the Great War was born.
"Thank you MAN MOMENT for letting me be awesome a century later. Worth it."