This agreement (“Agreement”) between Lora Cuccaro and Nate “Fritzy” Smith defines how their assets and liabilities shall be divided in the event of their divorce.
WHEREAS, neither Cuccaro nor Smith has been married before unless you count submitting cohabitation paperwork to Whole Foods (“Inc.”) to get the partner discount, which for the purposes of this document, we will ignore.
Agreement prepared by their buddy Kurt, who did a year of pre-law before dropping out to drum fulltime in a sick hardcore band.
Witnesseth the Following:
The bandmates of both Cuccaro and Smith shall have their longstanding permission to “crash on the couch” revoked no later than the day of the divorce.
Smith’s one supposedly collectible vinyl that’s “worth money” belongs to Smith alone, though the rights of Cuccaro to mock him if the object is appraised as worthless are upheld.
Cuccaro and Smith’s collection of black denim will be split evenly without regard to size, gender, and condition of the denim.
Both parties herein agree to remove all their band CDs from the basement, including the box of fifteen hundred (1500) of Smith’s side project, Meat Patty, that were sold in a hamburger bun in the year 2008. For the purposes of this document, the term “CD” includes any bun cases that remain in petrified form.
Their collection of unframed posters will revert to the original purchaser/petty thief.
Any intellectual property created by Cuccaro or Smith before they met at that one dive bar on 31st Street before it closed shall remain the property of each individual party. This includes, but is not limited to, any shitty two-minute (2-minute) punk songs, lyrics from either party’s Townes Van Zandt phase, essays from when Cuccaro thought about going to grad school, and midi ringtones made the year it seemed like you could maybe make money that way.
Cuccaro’s non-working 1994 Nissan must be removed from the premises and cannot be donated to NPR because she already tried and they said no.
The mountain of cans both parties have been saving to turn in and get wasted on the proceeds shall be taken to the scrapyard and the booze purchased herewith must be in increments of teeny-tinies so that the splitting may be even.
The lease of the last cheap apartment in the neighborhood will remain with the party who herein scored it.
The couple’s seventeen (17) guitars and three (3) electric basses will be awarded to the party who has most played them in the year leading up to the divorce, and the broken Fender Rhodes piano they found in a dumpster and carried twenty (20) blocks home will be sold to their friend Dustin who has been begging them for it for years.
Any college textbooks, designer thrift store finds bought for “flipping” purposes, and unclaimed vintage casserole dishes from vegan potlucks must be sold and the proceeds split.
The jar of kimchi in the fridge from the good farmers’ market shall be divided evenly into Ball jars and each party shall receive one (1). This decree shall be followed without regard to whether the jar is full, nearly full, or one quarter full. That shit lasts forever and is delicious.
The two-hundred-and-fifty dollar ($250) maxed-out credit card will be paid by the party who drunkenly ran it up on eBay.
The collected marijuana dust at the bottom of the ceramic thing both parties use to store their weed will be evenly divided into one (1) wood-burned decorative box and one (1) vintage recipe tin.
Proceeds from the sale of any offspring of the de-scented skunk left at the parties’ home by Smith’s brother will be split evenly. As the biological sibling of the original owner, Smith forfeits the right to contest this because it is mostly Cuccaro who takes care of the damn thing.
Enforcement of Agreement and Forfeiture
Either party will forfeit their rights if:
- Either party commits adultery with a member of the other party’s band.
- Either party gets really into:
- Aerosmith
- Coldplay
- Juggalo Culture
Effective Date
This Agreement shall go into effect no later than July 1st, 2023 when Cuccaro and Smith will be wed in the backyard of their crumbling rowhouse with dumpster-dived reception to follow.