Quiz: Are You Suffering from Main Character Syndrome?

Have you been walking through life wondering if you matter? Is your sense of identity on unsteady ground? Are you unsure of where you fundamentally fit in? Or do you lately feel like things might revolve around you, creating a dangerously clear narrative from August to December and then again late January to May sweeps?

Especially right now, life can be confusing and unclear. It can be helpful to know if you deserve attention and love, or if it’s better if you just fade into the background, waiting to be forgotten.

Take this quiz to find out if you may be suffering from Main Character Syndrome!

1. When you take off your headphones, does the music:

1. Stop being audible.
2. Continue into the background of your current conversation, layering an aesthetic texture to your life and indicate how you’re feeling (even if you don’t know it yet).

2. Is your mom dead?

1. No.
2. Yes, but don’t worry, your dad is hot.

3. Are your friends:

1. A bunch of good guys.
2. Funnier and more interesting than you, each marginalized in no more than one single and visible way.

4. When you get a weird email, you:

1. Delete it.
2. Click in to a blinking terminal that eventually reveals an address two towns over. When you drive over, your dead high school girlfriend greets you warmly.

5. Your favorite brands are:

1. Apple and Cheerios!
2. Papple and Neerios!

6. When you got a cough last week:

1. You called in sick and made some chicken noodle soup.
2. Ignored it until you coughed blood into your bridesmaid bouquet at your sister’s wedding and fainted delicately during your toast into the waiting arms of the best man.

7. When you text you friends:

1. You probably use the GIF keyboard too much, haha.
2. They’re shocked, because even in 2021 you have all your conversations by phone. You even thoughtfully repeat every question or exciting piece of news back to the person saying it to you, like you’re having both sides of the conversation yourself.

8. When two armed burglars invade your home at age 7, you:

1. Call 911 from under the bed.
2. Get hit on the head and wake up in a police station, looking terribly small while wearing the detective’s blazer as he tells you your entire family has been murdered and the killer escaped into the night.

9. When you get passed over for the promotion, you:

1. Resolve to try harder next time.
2. Knew this was coming. This is just how life is. Some people get the long end of the stick and some people get the short end, and you’re destined to get the short end. There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult, but will it ever happen for you? Maybe that’s what being an adult is: acceptance. Acceptance that this is where you’re truly meant to be.

10. Are you white?

1. Probably.
2. Definitely yes.

Tally Your Score

Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re free of Main Character Syndrome. Enjoy your meaningless existence and continue to fade into oblivion.

Mostly Bs: Unfortunately, you seem to have Main Character Syndrome. While this may have some upsides (excellent cheekbones, having both a living room and a den), you can expect significant downsides (lack of cell service during important moments, crash landing on a deserted island five years in the past). Talk to your doctor about your Main Character Syndrome, and try not to fall in love with him.