Which Sex and the City Character are you? It’s a debate we never tire of. Perhaps you’re a prim and proper Charlotte or a romantic Carrie. Maybe a sensual Samantha or a practical Miranda. Take this quiz to get the answer once and for all.
Question 1: You’re so busy perusing the brunch menu that you don’t notice the waiter is your ex-husband! That is, until it’s time to order. What do you do?
- Sputter “I have to go” and run—literally run—to the bathroom, knocking over other patrons’ drinks with the hat box you happen to be carrying. Once there, you decide to call an old flame, whom you nicknamed Spud because he loved french fries. When he doesn’t pick up, it hits you: “Was Spud… a dud?” You stay in the bathroom so long that your friends file a missing person report.
- Exclaim, “Chadworth! What a nice surprise!” but burst into tears as soon as he turns around. You pull a handkerchief with embroidered Yorkies on it out of your purse. As your friends comfort you, you reach into your shirt to reveal that you’ve been wearing his engagement ring on a chain around your neck. Chadworth returns with your food, and you frantically dry your eyes and force a smile. Once he’s gone again, you whisper, “Do you guys believe in Hell?”
- When your ex asks what you’d like to eat, you stare directly at his crotch and say, “Sausage, and make it thick.” Your ex-husband looks you up and down and you know to get up and follow him to the supply closet. There, you sit on his face but he’s standing up, do you know what I mean? Like you’re sitting on his shoulders but facing him. Anyway, when you come back to the table, you wink at the girls and say, “Thank God we had a prenup, and thank God he’s pre-cut! I love uncircumcised men.” That just came to you!
- Greet him politely but roll your eyes once he turns around.
Question 2: You got to the final round of interviews for your dream job, only to learn that your high school arch-nemesis got it. How do you react?
- This was it: A chance to finally write your own column while doing all kinds of gymnastics with your tongue. So when you find out that the girl who called you a slut in tenth grade got the job instead of you, you’re crushed. The first thing you do is sit in your boyfriend’s lap like a little baby. “I really wanted that job,” you moan, resting your chin on your knees and rubbing your eyes with the backs of your hands like a bunny rabbit. And that’s when it hits you: Maybe jobs are like bras. Sometimes they’re a good fit, but you don’t really need one.
- Send a gift basket. “What?! It’s the polite thing to do!” you snap as you arrange marmalades on a heap of that brown crinkly stuff that comes in gift baskets. You look like you’re watching a dog being killed but you’re not allowed to say anything. One of the jars breaks in your hand, which starts to bleed heavily. You keep arranging as if nothing happened. Maybe this is a sign you should go back to finishing school!
- Easy: Become her boss and steal her man. You don one of your turquoise power suits, march back to the office building, say, “Samantha Jones, PR” to the security guard, who is familiar with your work and lets you in, and head straight to the corner office. “Hello, are you the CEO?” you say. “I am now,” says the CEO, and he hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. He gives you the job, and it turns out, he’s also married to your high school bully, Claudia. Talk about killing two cocks with one bone! Again, that just popped into your head! Eventually, you and Claudia develop a grudging respect for each other, and you end up having sex with her as well.
- Complain about it to anyone who will listen!
Question 3: You and the gals are out on the town when a guy you have a crush on starts hitting on one of your friends. What’s your move?
- Sidle up to the two of them, immediately say to your crush, “Hey, I bet you can’t lift me over your head like in Dirty Dancing!” and bop him on the nose. Your friend is visibly hurt but you do not notice. You didn’t wear this crop top that perfectly shows off your “smoker’s abs” to sit on the sidelines. Your crush, who you’ve decided to call Bazinga, lifts you over his head and you start absolutely screaming. “Bazinga, you know I’m afraid of heights!!!” You leave the club crying and you and your friend never speak again.
- Grab your friend and drag her to the bathroom where you round on her with a horror-movie grin. Does she remember the time back in boarding school when she bled through her Lily Pulitzer and you lent her a tampon? Or the time Winthrop II asked you to the dance instead of her and you selflessly told everyone your father had opera tickets (true) so you couldn’t go (true)? That’s what you thought. Your friend leaves in tears and you admire your reflection in the mirror before returning to the dance floor. You may be at the club, but that didn’t stop you from dressing like a bridesmaid.
- Men are a dime a dozen, and honey? You’ve got a fat stack. You approach your crush and say, “Hey, see that girl over there? She’d like to fuck, and honey? Sounds like you’ve got a fat stack.” Then, you turn to another man and exclaim, “Hey fat cat! How bout you come over here with that Cadillac! I’ve a pussy cat and she’s a dime in the sack! Hot cat fuck! Quack-a-lac-a-ding-dong-day! Ho-NEY!!!” Ain’t life grand? You just come UP with this stuff!!
- Grin and bear it. You’re bummed, but hey—there are other fish in the sea.
Answer Key
Mostly As: You lied! You picked answers you thought were funny instead of being truthful. Like all people, you’re a Miranda, because she’s the only one who isn’t completely ridiculous.
Mostly Bs: You lied! You picked answers you thought were funny instead of being truthful. Like all people, you’re a Miranda, because she’s the only one who isn’t completely ridiculous.
Mostly Cs: You lied! You picked answers you thought were funny instead of being truthful. Like all people, you’re a Miranda, because she’s the only one who isn’t completely ridiculous.
Mostly Ds: Congrats! Like all people, you’re a Miranda, because she’s the only one who isn’t completely ridiculous.