Dear Luke Strickler,
Thank you for submitting your piece, "12 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Bread," to LaughSmack. Our editors have decided that it's not quite right for us, and would thank you never to submit anything ever again.
Although we appreciate your effort in trying to bring quality material to our site, what you have written here is absolute filth, and we encourage you to stop trying all together.
We have printed out a copy of your piece, burned it, dragged the file into the trash bin, as well as placed the computer in a dumpster. We ask that you do the same.
We have contacted your mother, who said that she will no longer be speaking to you, that you are officially uninvited from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and that your brother Kevin is now the family favorite. Your father said he wanted a son, not a disappointment.
Copies of your piece have been forwarded to your boss, who, while he cannot fire you, has promised to make every day a nightmare for you. Also, your pay will be docked to 77 cents for every dollar you make, as your boss no longer qualifies you as a real man.
Furthermore, the post office is returning all of your mail, the gym has cancelled your membership, and McDonald's will no longer allow you to order off the Dollar Menu.
In addition, the pet shelter is putting your dog back up for adoption, since your home has been deemed unsuitable for even the most basic animal. And it also goes without saying that your kids will also be placed into foster care. We forwarded them the piece, and they agree this is for the best.
Your wife is not leaving you; she says that would be too easy. Instead, she has decided to tank the marriage by spending all your money, emasculating you every chance she gets, and clearing the DVR while you're at work.
Santa has agreed to no longer bring you presents, or even the feeling of Christmas cheer, as you have now ruined cheer for so many others. The Easter Bunny will not bring you eggs, and the Tooth Fairy will begin leaving other people's teeth under your pillows.
Ellen DeGeneres has publically scoffed at your mention. Kanye West has released an entire diss track about you. Tom Hanks said you're a dick.
We hope that you give up soon, so that the world may begin to heal.
Worst,
LaughSmack/The World