Dear Miss Abrams,
I am writing in regards to the legally-binding contract you made with Max R. Smith on June 11th, 2011 at Grover High School in Boston, Massachusetts. The contract in question has been attached to this email for your convenience. As Max’s legal representation, I will remind you of the terms of the aforementioned document in the letter to follow.
As I’m sure you are aware, you and Max made a legally-binding promise in 2011 stating that if neither of you were married by age thirty you would marry each other. According to your birth date listed on Facebook and found in public record, you turned thirty (6) months and (3) days ago. Max has been thirty for (9) months and (6) days. According to public tax records, you filed as “Single” in 2022 and remain unmarried. As Max is also still single, I am reaching out to ensure you honor the agreement made in 2011.
While my client acknowledges the life changes that have occurred since you last spoke, he is still willing and excited to enter into a union with you. Max acknowledges that you are now an out lesbian with a live-in girlfriend and three dogs so he has suggested the following addendums to address your current circumstances.
Max agrees to inherit (1) of your three golden retrievers under the condition that you and Max choose a new name for the dog together. He is partial to the name “Charlie,” as it is the name of his late grandfather. Max would prefer the golden retriever who is wearing the blue hat in your latest Christmas card, but this is not a deal breaker.
Max agrees to relocate to Portland, Oregon, where you and your live-in girlfriend currently reside should you not want to relocate to Chicago.
Max understands the relationship between the two of you will be purely contractual and not sexual given the fact that you are now an out lesbian.
Max agrees to do his due diligence to find a home with a pool house for your live-in girlfriend and the remaining (2) dogs to relocate to.
Max asks that in addition to filing as a married couple, you invite him to all of your family holidays. Max says that Labor Day at your brother’s house in Nantucket is of the utmost importance to him. Valentine’s Day may remain for you and your current girlfriend.
If you are comfortable with the addendums made, the final piece of business we must address is the competing legal document you made with Timothy Chandler on August 15th, 2011, at Kara Walker’s summer party. This contract stated that if you and Timothy were both single at thirty, you would enter into a legal union with each other. As this contract was drawn up and signed after your contract with Max, we ask that you sign and initial section (2B) revoking any legally binding allegiance to your contract with Timothy Chandler. As a gentle reminder, you also imbibed a fourth of a handle of UV Blue that night, proving intoxication created impairment and likely making this contract null and void.
If you are comfortable with the addendums made, please sign the dotted line in section 2A.
If you have already hired your own legal counsel, please have them reach out to my office directly.
Thank you so much. Max passes along his congratulations on your new small business (a dog coffee shop—so clever!) as well as your live-in girlfriend finishing her medical residency. What an accomplishment for you both!
Best,
Lisa J. Johnson
Attorney At Law