Dear Polly Purser,
I've just finished my in-flight training with Fresh Air. Tomorrow is my first day and I'm really nervous. I passed all my exams and drills with perfect marks, and I know everything I need to do in the event of an emergency, but they never taught us any people skills. They said with our previous experience we would be fine. Well, I lied on my application. I have no experience working with people. Can you help me?
Thanks,
The Serviceless Stew
Dear Serviceless,
First of all, it's important to keep in mind that airplanes and airports bring out the crazy in everyone. No one is exempt, not even you. Here are some more helpful hints about your new life at 40,000 feet.
The average person's I.Q. declines the moment they pass through the revolving airport doors and continues to diminish with each 1000 feet an aircraft climbs. This can include the loss of one's ability to use words. (Quick tip for travelers, if you're close enough to punch your flight attendant in the butt, you're close enough to say "excuse me.")
You will come across many demons masquerading as passengers. They all firmly believe that the Earth's rotation is based solely on their existence.When men say they want to date a flight attendant for the flight benefits, what they really mean is they want to sleep with a flight attendant for the bragging benefits.
You may want to consider preparing for the starring habit your uniform inspires by videotaping yourself eating your lunch or perhaps joining the monkeys in the New York Metropolitan Zoo on a hot summer's day. For the full experience be sure to wear a wool suit, black nylons, and tie a thick silk scarf around your neck. If you're a real keener you may want to ask the Mama monkey to point out all the flaws with your appearance such as wrinkles, runs, loose hairs, lack of lip gloss and sweat while she kicks you repeatedly in the shins and accuses you of letting the zoo keeper serve less food than he used to.
Airline travelers are often fooled into thinking that sound only travels horizontally. Although you are standing next to them, they seem to forget that their words can rise. Practice developing an "I didn't hear you" and "I don't want to punch you in the face for critiquing my safety demo skills" face. This face will be helpful when passengers fail to realize that they need to take their headsets out to hear you or when they simply choose to pretend that you do not exist.
Always carry latex gloves. I used to think that simply saying "thank you" to the flight attendant while deplaning was enough. But some people will go that extra mile and leave you special thank you gifts. Some of the presents I have received include air sickness bags full of urine, dirty diapers, and mounds of cookies smashed into the floor. One time I was reaching into the seatback pocket and surprise! A used syringe pricked my thumb. If you're really lucky you may have a passenger urinate right on you and your galley.
If the floor in the airplane bathroom is wet, it's probably not water.
The plane is not leaving JFK in a snowstorm, regardless of how hot the guy waiting for you at LAX is.
Oh god, Soccer Mom's just read about a new mask-penetrating airborne virus. TAKE COVER!It is possible to be held personally accountable for lightning, the loss of someone's luggage on an airline you do not work for, snow, sun, terrorism, airport security, the Department of Homeland Security, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, slow internet connections, every difference between the person on the commercial and you, headwinds, tailwinds, the size of the passenger sitting in 12A, the smell of the passenger sitting in 32G, inappropriate programming on network television, bad films, current events, Miley Cyrus, Pepsi, rap music, the stock market, rain, and the lack of fresh air at 32,000 feet. Oh and any other thing that may have happened to anyone at any point in time in any place where gravity holds you down. And also where it doesn't.
When babies cross the threshold of the main cabin door and enter the aircraft they are magically transformed from life's little marvels into the terrors of the sky. Some babies have lung capacities that would put Luciano Pavarotti to shame. Other babies have mothers who do not believe it is inappropriate to change their poopy diapers on the tray table where future travelers may place their sandwich.
If a passenger coughs or sneezes on board, a state of panic will come over all people in the surrounding area. They will clench their teeth and scan their brains to remember if there's anything "going around right now." If there is, you can expect looks of terror to be shot your way. Sometimes a nosy hypochondriac will ding the call button to ask if there are any other seats available. If there are not, you can expect the following line of questioning: "Do they have any other symptoms?" "Have they seen a doctor?" "Are you sure they don't have a fever? …They don't feel hot? Are you sure?" "You are aware of the dangers of the swine flu, aren't you?"
You will come across many demons masquerading as passengers. They all firmly believe that the Earth's rotation is based solely on their existence and their presence at an afternoon meeting. Do not be fooled by their rants; if they miss their meeting or their cruise ship, the world will in fact continue to spin.
If someone knocks on your hotel room door after midnight, it's not to borrow toothpaste.
All hotels have toothpaste available at the front desk.
Best of luck to you,
Polly Purser
Your View from the Top
P.S. You may want to get a start on building up that immune system. Try licking the railings in subway stations or chewing used gum you find on the street. You'll be a lot more comfortable if you can get some viruses out of your system while you're at home and not on a turbulent airplane or city where disinfecting surgical instruments between patients is optional.