Your Car
Buckle in for the getaway of your dreams. A luxurious solo spin in your very own 2009 Honda Civic. Where to? Does it even matter? No kids are screaming from the back that they need to pee, or that their brother hit them, or that they can’t find the Slime they dropped under the seat.
And best of all, there’s no need to worry that your child will fall asleep for five minutes in their carseat and then not nap for the rest of the day. It’s just you, the steering wheel, and an old Natalie Merchant CD that you can’t eject from your broken disc player.
The Grocery Store
Casually stroll up and down the sweeping aisles without having to play goalie to tiny hands attempting to throw all the glass pickle jars off the shelf. Gaze upon the wonders of all-natural shampoos, uncured vegan bacon, and seventeen types of all-purpose flour that look the same.
Like the Epcot Center in Disney World, the grocery store boasts foods from all around the globe. But unlike Disney World, it’s not at all weird if you come here without kids.
The Office
Relax in the comfort and semi-privacy of your own cubicle. Drink a cup of mediocre break-room coffee while it’s still lukewarm. Have lunch sitting down. Wear a blouse that is not covered in snot and Cheddar Bunny dust. Enjoy the refreshing mindlessness of doing payroll, instead of the migraine-inducing mindlessness of reading Paw Patrol… again.
The Bathroom
Get lost in the soothing sounds of the toilet running. You keep meaning to call a plumber to check that out, but honestly who has the time between soccer drop offs, school pick ups, and cutting the crust off of PB&Js?
Don’t forget to bring a book, as this jaunt to the loo is the only time in months you will have a chance to read anything longer than the ingredients on a package of Children’s Tylenol.
Your Kitchen Sink
Dive into the deep warm waters of a pile of dirty dishes. Let the grit of three uneaten toddler meals gently exfoliate your tired hands. Over the sound of Ira Glass’s soothing voice in your earbuds, listen to the desperate shout of, “Oh my god, she just had a blowout!” and relax knowing that’s your partner’s problem right now, not yours.
The Dentist
Get ready for an all-expenses paid (except for your co-insurance and an unexpected bill in the mail three months later) trip to the dentist! Recline in your very own chair—yours for the hour—as the hygienist digs in deep to remove the plaque that has accumulated from months of not brushing because if you take your eyes off your baby for two seconds, they will surely swallow a battery.
Enjoy the pleasures of a conversation with another adult, as the hygienist is the first person in weeks to ask how you are doing. Feel the tension melt away as you listen to the light rock of 96.7FM combined with the dentist explaining that you will need a root canal, which will require a two hour appointment. Two hours? Lap of luxury!
In Bed With The Flu
Bring your kids to Chuck E. Cheese, wipe your hands on all the surfaces, and then lick your fingers. Three days later, you’ll be packing your bags for a place where the weather is always hot hot hot—your own sick bed. Take in a show on your laptop, maybe even an entire season! Partake of local delicacies, like chicken noodle soup, toast, and NyQuil Severe. Sweat the night away.
The mucous will last a week, but the memories will last a lifetime.
Under General Anesthesia
You will be whisked away to the comfort of the hospital and pampered in the temporary death state the locals refer to as “going under.” Perhaps you are having an elective post-partum tummy tuck or a vital organ transplant. Or maybe you’ve convinced the dentist you are too anxious to have that root canal under local anesthesia. However you arrive, get ready for the most blissful deep slumber you’ve had since your oldest child has been alive.
Comes with a gown, little socks, and a free parting gift that every mom is sure to enjoy: Percocet.