By contributing writer Elm Sinclair
Dear Ladies,
Hello. It is I, Joshua Baker. We’ve met, I know… on more than one occasion. There is a matter I’d like to discuss with you, but before we do, I would like to make clear that I am speaking not just to the ladies of my University in Morgantown, WV, but also to the ladies of the entire tri-state region. I am speaking to all of you, and as kindly as I can possibly say it, I need you to leave me be.
I must admit, at first I was elated at all the attention I was getting from you when I moved into town. It was, dare I say, a smorgasbord of attractive, eligible women practically throwing themselves at me. I was showered with attention and whisked away on many a romantic rendezvous. Dinner, a movie, a night on the town, you name it… and I never had to pay once, oh no. You all were far too congenial to allow me to do such a thing, even when I (perhaps half-heartedly) requested to do so, you would simply tell me that “your money’s no good here.”
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It seems as if every day was a different date, and every night, also. Almost every date was with a different lady, so much so that I couldn’t keep track. Remember how I just started referring to you all as “doll face” or “baby cakes”? Yes, that had much more to do with me simply being overwhelmed by all the Brittany’s, Tiffany’s, and Veronica’s in my mind than it did with me having a special pet name for each of you.
And I guess that brings me to my point. You see ladies, I’m kinda lady-ed out.
Don’t miss understand me, I am still very much the heterosexual male and I have no intention of “switching teams” (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It’s just… this constant romance is hard work.
Now I don’t blame you; I understand where you’re coming from. I mean, let’s say that we meet one day and happen to wind up at my dorm room. Well, I know how attractive you find a man with a dorm room, especially when he shares it with not one, but two other male roommates. The fact that there is a community all-male bathroom for you to use to “powder your nose” right down the hall makes it that much more alluring I’m sure. I’ve been told by many of you that when you see my collection of superhero and zombie DVD’s that it really gets your motor running, let alone the pile of unfolded clothes that I moved directly from the dryer to the bottom of my closet. I don’t blame you for finding this appealing; it’s not your fault. And even if there was perhaps a glimmer of doubt about us… consummating our newfound friendship, once you realized I could wine and dine you on a healthy supply of Easy Mac and Glacier Freeze Gatorade, well, it was simply just a matter of time from there.
Of course, usually by the time you see my dorm it’s already too late. You’ve most likely lost willpower long before then. It’s usually over right around the time you first hear me mock someone under my breath. This happens quite often as I have a rather large ego, and often feel the need to stroke it by belittling others. Though, it could’ve been when you noticed how I regularly maintain the “shabby-chic” look of not shaving my face for anywhere between several days and two weeks and often wearing wrinkled t-shirts and the same pair of jeans every day. Still, I suspect that it was my sense of humor that wooed you—the fact that I burst into laughter at the words “poop” and “boobie,” or that I enjoy pulling the ol’ “what’s that on your shirt” about every 7-8 minutes.
Now I don’t want you to feel bad for a second. I know it’s difficult to cope with, but even though your friends might tell you, “There’s enough Josh to go around,” there really isn’t. Even though it may at times feel as if I am so much more, I am but one man. I find it incredibly disorienting waking up in a different bed each morning, and I have been running up quite a bill paying for new shirts to replace the numerous ones that have been ripped off me in lusty, animal rage. I need a recess from this constant demand of my mind and body.
There are tons of other things you can do besides me though. Fly a kite. Read a book. Build a sandcastle. The options are limitless. Don’t frown; this will be good for us. Hey, we can still be friends, all of us.