To: Human Resources
Thursday, December 17 at 6:37 PM
Subject: Formal Complaint
As per our meeting, I’m writing to place my formal complaint about the other reindeer laughing and calling me names. I understand that “reindeer will be reindeer,” but I think this has gotten a bit out of control. Please advise!
To: Human Resources
Friday, December 18 at 4:24 AM
Subject: Appreciate Your Feedback And Considered Alternative Options
I know you said that North Pole Inc. thrives because of its casual company culture, but I’m feeling very down. Perhaps there could be some company-wide actions to address what’s been going on instead of your nose job suggestion? Maybe like a training or something?
Please note that I’ve been up all night reviewing mockups of my face if I did get that nose job, and to call it an emotional sleigh-ride would be an understatement.
To: Human Resources
Friday, December 18 at 10:12 AM
Subject: Was There A Meeting I Wasn’t Told About?
When I got into the office this morning Vixen told me I needed to calm down and that I was putting all the other reindeer on edge. I was under the impression that these conversations were confidential?
To: Human Resources
Friday, December 18 at 10:58 AM
Subject: RE: Was There A Meeting I Wasn’t Told About?
Okay, just because you didn’t say “Rudolph” doesn’t mean you “protected my identity.” It sounds like you were very specific about the shiny nose, which would make it obvious that the complaint came from me.
BTW, please add to my file: in the break room, Comet kept sticking gumdrops to his nose and being like, “What? What’s so funny?”
To: Human Resources
Friday, December 18 at 11:17 AM
Subject: RE:RE: Was There A Meeting I Wasn’t Told About?
I’ve been a part of North Pole, Inc. for years so, yes, I’m well aware that “at the end of the day it’s about delivering gifts and sparking joy.”
To: Human Resources
Friday, December 18 at 12:16 PM
Subject: Reaching out to Santa directly
Reached out to Santa directly. Will keep you updated.
To: Human Resources
Monday, December 21 at 10:48 PM
Subject: Re: Reaching out to Santa directly
I hear you that I’m the first one to complain about this. But please note that that doesn’t mean I’m the only one who has experienced it over the years at North Pole, Inc.
Please add to my file that I have been left out of all the reindeer games, including Cards Against Humanity and Fuck/Marry/Kill.
To: Human Resources
Tuesday, December 22 at 2:00 PM
Subject: Can’t get a hold of Santa
I’ve followed up three times so I’m now enlisting one of Santa’s helpers. I know everyone is saying that this would be better timed after Christmas, but I’m worried about riding the sleigh all around the world with colleagues that make me feel unsafe.
To: Human Resources
Tuesday, December 22 at 5:15 PM
Subject: Updates on The Name-Calling
Wanted to let you know that Santa and I will be touching base at 9:15pm tomorrow.
And please add to my file that Blitzen called me a “red-nosed fuck-face.”
To: Human Resources
Wednesday, December 23 at 9:33 PM
Subject: Spoke to Santa / Foggy Weather
Thought you would like to know that Santa said I could guide the sleigh (because of the foggy weather forecast). He encouraged me to pull my complaint because it was making all the other reindeer uncomfortable. I recognize that being the official sleigh-guide is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So, please consider this email my official request to halt any further investigation.
I just hope that if this does go down in history, it’s the true story, and not some simplified, sugar-coated version of it.
Appreciate all your help and have a Merry Christmas,
Rudolph