San Francisco can’t catch a break. They’ve been plagued for years with a reputation for major earthquakes, minor earthquakes, and corporate sellout techies doing Segway doughnuts on my lawn. Now, they’ve been saddled with another reputation: a baseball mascot that’s a huge asshole. I’m not afraid to say it, Giants’ mascot Lou Seal sucks and I don’t like him.
It’s high time the world demands that San Francisco replace their baseball mascot with a better seal.
I know what you’re saying, “I’ve never heard anything bad about Lou, I think he’s fine and not potentially related to Charles Manson.” But how well do you actually know Lou? I don’t want to make this personal or anything, but I went to a Giants game one time and Lou personally wronged me. He had the t-shirt cannon, we made hard eye contact, and then he shoots the cannon in the complete opposite direction. What the hell is that?
Then, and you won’t believe this, Lou flips me the bird. It was crazy.
Lou’s bad attitude has been an open secret between me and anybody who would listen for years. Lou and I go all the way back to when he still went by Lou Sealzmen. He always had to be the center of attention at the pier. One time some kids tossed him a whole box of mini donuts because he was really arfing it up, you know how he is. I shit you not, instead of sharing the donuts, Lou looks me dead in the eye and pours them into the ocean. Then, and I’m still shocked by this, he flips me the bird! True story.
The rest of us can tell Lou sucks but San Francisco can’t because they’re just too close to it. It’s kind of like how we Americans can’t hear how silly our own accent sounds. Or how old people can’t tell their farts are actually pieces of their diminishing life force escaping through their butt. Or how I slept with Lou Seal’s mother and he did not take it well. And then, even though he’s older than me, I offered to be his new dad as a gesture of goodwill. And then, and this is where things get crazy, he flipped me the bird. Who does that?
Anyway, this is just one of those times where people are too close to see the situation clearly. But we all know, so it’s time we force San Francisco to do the right thing.
You know who’s a really cool Seal? The world-renowned musician, Seal. Why doesn’t San Francisco get him to be their mascot? Have they even asked? What possible reason could they give for not asking Seal to be the official MLB mascot of the San Francisco Giants? I really think the undisputed king of the US Adult Contemporary charts is worth at least asking.
But I guess if San Francisco thinks they’re too good for Seal, whatever. Their loss.
You know who else would make a great new mascot? Me. I’m not a seal technically, but I can just lie. Plus I can juggle. Not more than two balls, but still. As a small note, I do have many skeletons in my closet. In fact, I have been called a “PR nightmare,” haha. Anyway, we will have to prepare MANY NDAs and pay A LOT of cash unless we want to be accused of disgracing the Giants franchise.
So here's my demands if I’m to be the new mascot. First off, I am not cheap. I’m going to need a salary of at least double that of the highest-paid player. I also don’t do nights or weekends. If a game goes one minute past five, I’m outta there. Finally, I don’t do dancing or anything like that. I’ll come out and make an appearance, but don’t expect anything too crazy. The best you’re gonna get is my two-ball juggle, but that only lasts maybe 30 seconds before I get bored and won’t want to do it anymore.
Also, since I’m going to be the new mascot, I think it’s my responsibility to suggest that we finally fix baseball. Do you really think our prime 18-25 year old demographic is interested in this? Baseball needs to captivate more than other forms of media like TikTok, video games, and hardcore pornography. So here’s what I’m thinking: land mines. We don’t know where they are, but we know they’re out there. I think it’s really going to make baseball a household name.
Anyway, I can’t wait to be the new mascot, and if anybody tries to steal any of these ideas, I will sue.