You see your friends posting pictures at the half marathon finish line on social media. You remember running for five minutes in high school gym without collapsing. Vain Olympic gold medal dreams are long gone, since you're way past prime gymnastics age and you can't do a pull-up without help. A half-marathon may be your only chance at any kind of medal. Here are some reasons you might be a great candidate to run a half marathon.
You're Really Tired of Getting a Full Night's Sleep
Getting up well-rested after a good eight hours is pretty overrated. Being able to focus at work, not having the urge to nap, not having black bags under your eyes? Who wants that? Once you've gotten yourself running 30 miles or so a week, you'll never have to worry about such things again.
You can get up 5 am and head over to give the roosters their own wake-up call. You can feel very accomplished as you stumble around, disoriented at the still black skies, hoping you remember to take off your pajamas before putting on your workout clothes. If you actually still want to get a full night's sleep, you can also go to bed at 9 pm—ain't no party like a party that ends promptly at 8.
You Think That There Aren't Enough Workout Updates on Social Media
Sure it's fun to post pictures of the Easy Mac you slaved over a microwave to make, but when it comes to social media, workout pictures are where it's at. You get bonus points if your abs are included, even if they're hiding behind lots and lots of other flesh. Is there even any point in working out if it doesn't result in social media likes? Who wants to live in that world?
You Want to Feel Validated When You Eat Your Daily Six Donuts
It's 10:30 am. There have been donuts in the break room since you arrived an hour and a half ago. You're telling your coworker you're thinking of eating a second, which would really be your fourth. You also know you'll sneak in there and take two more when everyone has driven somewhere for lunch.
Why continue to hide your beautiful love story with sugar and carbs? Let the world know. When you're stuffing that third bear claw into your face in front of several coworkers and crumbs are falling every which way, tell your work buddies that it's totally cool because you ran six miles this morning. Then ask if they're going to finish their donuts.
You Long for Wristwatch, Sock, Weird Sports Bra Tan Lines
Anybody can have a tan that looks evenly spread across their body, but not everyone can make body art with their various randomly-placed pale patches. As a runner who chooses capri pants, you can rock a little stretch of tan between your sock line and the end of your pants. You can also wear shorts sometimes to achieve three distinct levels of tan on your legs. You can rock different lengths of socks each day to get lower legs that look like paint swatches. For more ambitious color groupings, there's nothing like the tan lines left by a sports bra. Tan semi-circles surrounded by paler skin? How avante garde! Also, having a random pale band on your wrist shows people that you've forgotten to put on your watch today.
You Want Your Entire Wardrobe to be Sponsored by Local Businesses
There really aren't enough shirts with heating and air conditioning logos on them, are there? Not to worry. If you run a half marathon, your complimentary shirt will consist almost entirely of sponsor names. You can don the shirt knowing you're taking part in the latest trend: advertising local plumbing services. Just be sure not to advertise bakeries after Labor Day. Total fashion faux pas.
Another advantage is that you'll never have to Google local services anymore: just go through your closet to find the name of any local service you need.
Running Feverishly Toward a Portapotty is Your Thing
You definitely prepped before the race. You had a small snack an hour or two before gun time. You stretched. You did some form running. By golly, did you hydrate. Then after crossing the second mile marker, you realized you did far too good of a job hydrating. It feels like you consumed so much water that you're responsible for all droughts in neighboring states. This starts the most thrilling adventure one can experience: the race to the aid station portapotty. As the situation becomes more and more urgent, your idea of heaven becomes a warm enclosed toilet resting just inches above the hydration and dinner mistakes of other runners. When you finally meet, it's among the most blissful feelings you'll experience.