The following is my personal version of Nate DeGraaf‘s legendary Snippets.
Tscrub (don't ask): Man, any upbeat fast song by the Rankin family is awesome.
Me: What did you just say?
Tscrub: Maybe I should just embrace my homosexuality now.
Me: You definitely should.
Tscrub: Maybe dick is an acquired taste… Your thoughts?
Me: Dude, you know I'm using that in my right?
Tscrub: Just attribute it to me, “the Rankin family and dick.”
Rach: …and I'm doin' my hair in cornrows tonight!
Me: Why would a good-looking girl want to do that to herself?
Rach: You’re SO rude Nick, it's gonna' look ballin!
Me: So you agree with me, you’re gonna go from a cutie to Jim Jones in one smooth motion.
Rach (laughing): You’re a jerk, you know that.
Me: Damn, look at that girl, although honestly, she'd look better without all the tattoos.
Mike D: Check out mine, just got it done (shows tat).
Me: Bitchin dude, “the world’s a stage” that’s Shakespeare right?
Mike D: (drinks beer and nods)
Me: I’m going to get one soon. I got it priced already.
Mike D: (looking straight ahead the whole time) What is it?
Me: It's an ambigram. You look at it one way and it says “hopeless,” look at it upside down and it says “romantic.”
Mike D: That’s killer, chicks will dig that. (laughs)
Me: True say (drinks beer) but I mean it’s true, like I’m a dude who watches “Friends” sometimes and doesn't care if the girl I’m goin' out with wants to watch a romantic comedy once in a while.
Mike D: Nick, I'd love to have this conversation with you (drinks beer), but right now (drinks), we're in a strip club.
Me: (drinks beer) Sorry dude.
Cute Greeter Girl: Hey guys! Table for 3? Sorry it's going to be a 20 minute wait.
Andy: Guys, let's just go.
Me: I guess.
(as we're walking out the front doors)
Ian: A 3-HOUR WAIT! F that!
Random Guy in Line: A 3-hour wait! Screw that, let’s leave.
Andy: Wow, it's like empty in this place.
Server Girl: You guys ready to order? Not yet? Okay I'll be back.
Ian: I'd do her.
Me: Yeah man, she's pretty cute.
Andy: Yeah.
Me: I'm not a huge fan of the piercing on the face though, it only looks good on like some girls.
Ian: She had a piercing on her face?
Andy: Haha. Man what the hell were you looking at?
Ian: I think we can all answer that question.
Server Girl (who definitely has a piercing on her face): So, you guys ready?
Nick: …Then it was starting to get dark so we played a game of “as” and left.
Mike: What the fuck is “as”?
Nick: It's like “ass” only the sun was setting so we shortened it by a trick.
Mike: Dude thats ga'.
Nick: Ga'?
Mike: Yeah man, man it’s like gay only shorter.
Nick: Oh I get it, so it’s like your penis. Like most guys', only you know, shorter.
Mike: Shaddup you cun'.
Emma: …Yeah, so me and Ian were really close about 4 months ago until he fucked it up by saying stupid stuff.
Mcdicks Employee: Oooo! Close eh? Did you guys have sex?
Emma: Nah, but he could have railed me pretty hard if he didn't fuck it up.
Emma: You hear that Ian, you prolly could have railed me pretty hard if you didn't fuck it up.
Ian: Damn.
Employee: Anyway, I hear you and Dave from kitchen are going out now, does he know about the possible railing?
Emma: No, maybe I should tell him before someone else does. (Yells) HEY DAVE! Just if you didn't know, Ian could have railed me hard few months back but he fucked it up.
Dave: Umm, okay I guess.
Ian: Fuck my life.
Andy: So the dude at the courthouse said they will just send me a summons in a month or so and I’ll pay the 125 bucks then.
Me: So the cops not gonna show up and you're going to get off scott free. Asshole.
Andy: Yep. Man, I can't believe we're actually going to get away with throwing the party of the century.
Me: What the hell are you gonna say when your parents open the letter from the courthouse?
Andy: Always gotta look at the downside don't you.
Rach: So Nick are you goin' to Club 77 tonight?
Me: Nah, I'm not feelin' it tonight.
Ash: Hey! I'm going to 77 tonight are you coming?
Me: Sorry cutie, I'm feelin' kinda sick. I think I'm just going to stay at home.
Caroline: So I'm going to 77 tonight, am I going to see you there?
Me: Sorry babe, I blew a tire and spent an hour in the snow changing it, I'm staying at home tonight.
Becki: …I'm workin' at 77 tonight so-
Me: I'M NOT GOING LEAVE ME ALONE!
Rach: NICKK!! I'm bored. Talk to me.
Me: About what?
Rach: I don't know, anything. What do you want to talk about?
Me: Boobies.
Rach: Haha. Nick said boobies.
Me: Hey Mike buddy what’s up? Let's chill tonight, beers and bros, we'll hang out.
Mike: Yeah man, I was thinking about catching a bus into town anyway. I hear this 77 thing is supposed to be good tonight.
Me: FUCK THE WORLD. FINE, THE UNIVERSE WANTS ME TO GO CLUBBING I'LL GO CLUBBING.
Rach: Seriously Nick, let's talk about something interesting.
Me: Boobies are interesting.
Rach: NO! Something that's FUN and interesting.
Me: You’re telling me that boobies aren't fun and interesting? I mean come on, you have a pair, you must know.
Rach: Fine, I'll give you that, but can we change the subject?
Me: No way, this is how I pick up girls.
Andy's Dad: Son, We got this letter from the government. What is it?
Andy: Oh it's nothing, one of the kids who got in a fight at the party is pressing charges and they need me as a witness.
Andy's Dad: Bullshit.
Andy: Excuse me?
Andy’s Dad: I said bullshit. You and Nick probably got fined for having a bunch of kids in the hall drinking without a liquor license.
Andy: Wow, yeah. Damn, you’re good.