18-year-old Katie Lawrence sent a splash of hot oil through the fast food industry today when she fulfilled a customer's request for an Egg White Delight, even though breakfast service had ended two minutes earlier.
"At first I said no, and I encouraged him to try our new McCharcuterie, made with real bologna. But he just kept looking deep into my eyes, and I could see a breakfast-sandwich-shaped void in his soul. I knew what had to be done."
"I knew if I didn't serve that man, he was going to have to go down the street to Waffle House, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone." It was uncharted territory for Lawrence and the rest of the staff. "None of us really know why breakfast ends when it does. The rumors are always going around. Some people say the breakfast food goes to sleep at 11. Other people think it goes to a farm where it can run and play with its donut friends and cereal friends and A.M. Crunchwrap Supreme friends. But when I went back to check the McFrigerator, the Egg White Delights were all in there, just as awake and ready to go as pre-packaged mounds of protein and carbs could possibly be."
Lawrence took one of the sandwiches and prepared it for insertion into the McHeaterUpper, but a fellow employee stopped her short.
"I told her to stop and think about the ethical implications of what she was doing," said shift manager Ahmad Greenberg. "She was in clear violation of that oath we took, the one where Ronald showed up and made us wear the noses. Mayor McCheese himself might have had to come and issue a demerit. He's a real bitch to deal with. There's always something missing from the cash registers after he rolls through. And he's not even a democratically elected official! Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. Don't print any of that, okay?"
Despite Greenberg's warnings, Lawrence forged ahead. "I knew if I didn't serve that man, he was going to have to go down the street to Waffle House, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So I just did it. I knew I could show everyone it wasn't a big deal, and maybe they'd start listening to my ideas. Now we can serve breakfast all day. Or maybe we can introduce some healthier options, like a kale salad or something."
When asked to comment, Keith Mulligan, McDonald's Director of Healthy Vegetables or Whatever, said, "Kale? How'd she come up with that? Our employees are contractually forbidden from listening to NPR."
McDonald's had this to say in a written statement: "While we have no intention of changing our breakfast hours, and although we typically do not approve of low-level grunts breaching protocol, we are pleasantly surprised that this GED recipient of below-average intelligence made the most of her limited critical-thinking skills in order to make a customer smile."
Lawrence was recently accepted to Emory University, where she plans to study biochemistry.
While the company declined to increase the full-time employee's minimum-wage compensation, it said it hoped Lawrence's weekend custodial job could help her pay for her upcoming kidney transplant.