Although you insist his height qualifies him as a “short king,” is it possible that he could perhaps more accurately be described as “gnome-like” or even “folkloric”?

Does he have all consuming DIY hobbies like carpentry, pottery, or spinning yarn into gold? Is he “a natural home-maker” or is he Rumpelstiltskin?

Is he “ugly-hot” or does his face bear the mark of an impish, Germanic evil?

Is he overly generous? Does he get you an inordinate amount of golden jewellery? Does that jewellery seem thin, frail, or as though it is/once could have been straw?

It seems like he’s really into you. But when you really think about it, is it possible the relationship is moving a bit too fast? Does he want you to meet his family and are his brothers both called Grimm, for some reason?

When he talks about your future is it punctuated with sinister inquiries about your first-born child?

Is he secretive about various facets of his own life like:

  1. Where he was born
  2. What he does for a living
  3. His full name

Follow up question, does he go by any of these unique nicknames amongst friends: Skin, Stilt or Rumpy?

Does he employ confusing man jargon? Does he say things like “cap,” “beta,” or “Today do I bake, tomorrow I brew!”

Are you often worried about his next outfit? Does he show up to the function donning a large collared shirt, tight pants, and pointed red shoes that jingle when he walks?

Is he awkward in social settings? Does he hop on one leg around a fire and cry out?

Do mysterious, industrious sounds emanate from his room? Listen now. Go on. Press your ear against the door. Is that the tinny sound of online pornography or the dull whir whir whir of the spinning wheel?

Does he love singing the noughties pop anthem “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting Tings. Come to think of it, is he really singing it or is he screaming that one line over and over again with smug revelry? (While hopping on one leg around a fire.)

Does he leave a trail of useless paraphernalia around your apartment, like stamp cards, salt packets, or a dozen sewing bobbins?

Is he bad at making plans? When you try and make plans does he say something weird and cryptic such as “I will give you three days”?

Does he have a bad temper?

Does his temper cause him to stamp his right foot so hard on the muddy ground… that he sinks down as far as his waist and is never seen again?

You’re dating Rumpelstiltskin.