Hello, esteemed employees. I called this meeting because we, the corporate leadership at your workplace, have been getting a lot of questions lately surrounding rumors of impending layoffs, and quite frankly, we’re baffled. How did you figure it out?
I mean, err… What tipped you off?
Let me try that one more time. Wherever did you get that idea?
Is it because we sent around those spreadsheets requiring each employee to account for every minute of their workday? That's not because we're looking for positions that could be eliminated. That's because we're… umm…
We're planning a big surprise party for Patti, the VP of Marketing, and we want to choose a time when the most people will be available.
Or is it because we told everyone to take all the personal items out of their cubicles? That's not so you'll be able to leave without stopping by your desk after we give you the old pink slip. It's because Bob, the VP of Finance, has been reading about this new Japanese minimalist workplace practice that creates a calming, productive environment. You know how Bob is.
You don't? You've worked here 15 years and have never laid eyes on Bob, the VP of Finance? Well, let me tell you, this is classic Bob. Always some new fad with him. Besides, you don't need a picture of your spouse and children on your desk. You can see them when you get home. Which, if you want to avoid the layoffs—layoffs? Who said anything about layoffs?—will be at least an hour after everyone else in your department.
Is it because of all those memos that have been going around about uniformity of procedure and documentation across all branch locations? Why would that signal that we're planning to consolidate departments? Of course not! It's because… because…
We're planning to do a flash mob at the company picnic and we want to make sure everyone has practice being in sync. Yeah, that's it!
What song are we doing for the flash mob?
“Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears. Yes, I did come up with that very quickly. That's because I'm telling the truth about the flash mob and definitely not because I was singing along with it in a falsetto in my car on the way here.
Are you worried about layoffs because the executives keep calling people into their offices and you never see those employees again? Listen, the truth is, well, I just don't know how to say this– The truth is, Bob's an alien. Those people aren't disappearing because they've lost their jobs; they are, as we speak, being probed and experimented on by Bob and his little green brethren.
There. Doesn't that ease your minds a little?
That “For Sale” sign you saw in front of the building? No, we’re not planning to shut down this location and transfer any remaining employees to Poughkeepsie. Jared, my admin assistant, put that sign there because he's trying to sell the extra zucchini he grew this summer. Well, no, there's no zucchini there right now. That's because he sold them all. Good job, Jared.
Are these rumors because Sally in accounting came across that email from me to the department heads with the subject line “List of employees to be let go?” I meant we’re going to let these employees go… on a field trip to the art museum! It's tomorrow.
But, um, leave your laptops and any other company property at your desks. And don't be alarmed if it's all gone when you come back. We're just, uh, taking everything to be cleaned. There's still a pandemic on, ya know.
I know you've noticed what appear to be executives from other companies walking around the building with notebooks. That's certainly not because we're in talks regarding a merger that will probably cost many of you your jobs. That's because of our new Executive Exchange Program. Kind of like Take Your Daughter to Work Day, but with middle-aged white men.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
Yes, it's true that the corporate consultant we recently hired to boost our efficiency has the nickname “Hatchet Harry.” That's just an unfortunate coincidence. He didn't get that nickname because of his ruthless approach to workforce reduction; he got it because his favorite young adult book is Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. Boy, you guys sure have wild imaginations.
I hope I've done an adequate job of convincing you all that there's no conspiracy to lay off some huge percentage of our workforce. Which means you can all go back to your desks and keep up your productivity until we figure out how to replace you with AI-powered holograms.
I mean, until you finish up a long and fruitful career with us and collect a respectable 401K thanks to the company match that we definitely aren't doing away with next month.