Well, folks, I’ve done it! I’ve taken over the world!
Of course, I didn’t really take over the world, as some of my critics are saying. I prefer to think of it like this: after years of striving and struggling against small-minded bureaucrats and self-interested “leaders” running the world into the ground for profit, I’m finally in a position to realize my plans for a new, more enlightened phase of human civilization. Obviously, a lot of people deserve credit for helping me get here (if you were able to contribute to the Patreons for my various “doomsday devices,” I thank you sincerely and promise that your T-shirts will be in the mail within three business days).
But you’re receiving this email now because I’ve singled you out for special distinction. I’ve been watching you. You may not have known it, but I have. Before all this happened, I dutifully monitored Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit, looking for any mention of my name or my companies, and compiled the results into a database. Rest assured, if you’ve ever @-ed me or mentioned me in a post, even once, I know exactly who you are and what you said about me. This task once took up most of my working day; I originally developed Neuralink to help me read and categorize faster, but it has failed as yet to perform to my specifications.
Everyone receiving this email has, at some point or another, stood up for my ideals. You’ve shown that you share my abiding belief in clean energy, friendly AI, and sending humankind to the stars. You’ve defended me and my companies from slander. You’ve promoted a vision of a strong, united Earth, ruled by logic, science, and common-sense regulatory practices. You’ve proven yourself to be fighters, dreamers, and doers. I want you all as my trusted lieutenants.
You may think, “why me? I’m not a great scientist or engineer or businessperson.” That’s such an old-world way of thinking! Far, far more important than expertise is vision. I, for example, don’t understand most of the things that have made me wealthy and famous, but it was I who had the vision to make them happen. You, my friends, have the vision our new world needs.
And it will need you. If you thought I had my share of nagging, small-minded critics before now, think about how much worse it’ll get. They’re out there. I have them in my database. Sorely-needed changes will have to be made; much hard work remains ahead of us, and there will be a contingent of people who have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the future. I can’t be everywhere (yet). That’s where you come in.
As my trusted helpers, I need you to do the following:
- As I explained in my first AMA after to becoming President of the Galaxy, my title “President of the Galaxy” is a Hitchhiker’s Guide inside joke and I do not consider myself any sort of traditional political leader. For maximum comedic effect, this joke must be repeated every time anyone mentions my name in any context.
- Right now, what the world needs is unity. Now, unity doesn’t mean uniformity. I pride myself on my ability to listen to other perspectives. If anybody has a legitimate concern with my plans I want to hear them out. What we don’t need are vicious, scurrilous insults that help nobody. Ad hominem attacks on topics such as my “megalomania,” “silly accent,” “weird square head,” or “cultish preference for young and impressionable women” are not cool. Please try to dissuade your peers from saying things like this. If repeated infractions occur, whisper “[your name] identifies [target’s name]” within one meter of any Tesla automobile, and it’ll get straightened out.
- Those of you who own Teslas may notice that they will be behaving rather oddly in the coming months. They may refuse to drive into certain areas. They may randomly tune their radios to channels featuring nothing but screeching, unearthly noises. They may disappear from your garage at night and return with strange new dents, stains, or odors. Please bear with me on this. I promise your warranties will still apply and that the garages of your local Tesla dealership will always be at your disposal until such time as the cars are able to repair themselves.
- Like I said, some changes will need to be made. They won’t be popular. I will need you to be my evangelists (for lack of a better word) and explain to your friends and peers why replacing all banking with PayPal and all social media with r/elonmusk just makes sense. There will also be some highly manpower-intensive projects coming, and I’ll need you to pump up morale as much as you can. Not the least of these projects is a 140-mile-long rocket fitted with various nuclear devices and fired directly into the sun; the aim is to alter the sun’s chemical composition and cool it by several degrees, thus alleviating climate change. It should work (according to the movies I’ve watched), and more importantly, will be epic as fuck.
In return for the satisfactory completion of these duties, you earn any number of rewards and perks, including, but not limited to:
- Limited-edition Funko Pops featuring me and Grimes (who comes with several hats)
- A one-year subscription to the Pravduh news-vetting services, newly staffed with The Onion’s entire team of writers (who better to spot fake news?)
- A seat on the special Hyperloop car that dips below the Earth’s crust and offers a spectacular view of the mole people’s capital city
- Your own AI butler, patterned after the Rick and Morty character of your choice
- Prototype jetpacks capable of reaching heights of eight feet for durations of up to 40 seconds
- A first-class cryopod on the first Mars colony shuttle, which will feature 200-count sheets and smooth jazz piped in for the entire fourteen-month trip. (The cryopods are now only 74% fatal—and the rate is dropping!)
In closing, thank you in advance for your tireless work, thank you for your support thus far, and excelsior!
Sincerely,
President of the Galaxy Elon Musk