“Hey, thanks for coming! Nice trench coat.”
“Of course! Nice to meet you! So where is the date?”
“What do you mean? This is the date.”
“This is a restaurant. Where is the date? Like the fruit, around which a bunch of flies might be swarming?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Ummm…” (Crumples into thousands of spiders)
“Hey thanks for coming to this restaurant date!”
“Of course, nice to meet you!”
“Nice to meet you!”
“I was intrigued by the mention of fly fishing on your profile. I like fly fishing too!”
“Wow so cool! Let me show you a picture of this fish I caught.”
“Fish?”
“Yeah you know, the thing you’re trying to catch using a fly–“
“Ummm…” (Crumples into thousands of spiders)
“Hey thanks for coming to this restaurant date!”
“Of course, nice to meet you!”
“So you don’t like fly fishing do you? Especially not the kind where you cast a strand of web and try to catch literal flies.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Of course not, I’m sorry. Forget I said that.”
“So I was intrigued by your profile. We have the same job!”
“Oh no way haha! Yeah, being a web designer is pretty cool I guess. I like knowing that people will be logging onto the internet, this figurative web of sorts, connecting the whole world and–”
“Ummm” (Crumples into thousands of spiders)
“Hey thanks for coming to this restaurant date! I recently quit my job as a web designer and I hate fly fishing.”
“Haha, you get right to the point.”
“Sorry… So you like Marvel movies! Who’s your favorite character?”
“Hmm… Well… Probably…Iron Man.”
“Wonderful.”
“Yeah, and I just feel like movies are better in the theater.”
“OMG me too! Although, I don’t really like how tall and difficult to clean the ceilings are, plus I hate how people just throw their sugary candy on the ground and–”
“Ummm…” (Crumples into thousands of spiders)
“Hey, thanks for coming to this restaurant date. Movie theaters are overrated, and I don’t fly fish or work on webs.”
“Sure thing. So your profile said you’re fluent in sarcasm?”
“Uhhhh, YEAH, you could say that, haha.”
“Haha.”
“Are you?”
“Of course, sarcasm takes perspective, and you could say I have THOUSANDS of perspectives.”
“Haha, I get that, I get that. So you seem nice, should we go back to my place and… You know…”
“Ooo, you’re not gonna eat me afterwards are you?”
“Yeahhh, I’m DEFINITELY gonna eat you after…”
“Ummm…” (Crumples into thousands of spiders)
“Hey… Thanks for coming to this restaurant date, I guess…”
“Are you alright? You seem a little down.”
“It’s fine, I’ve just had a lot of trouble with online dating. Why can’t people be themselves?”
“It’s hard sometimes. We all want people to like us.”
“Sure, but what’s the point of hiding? I’ll find out eventually. Like I wouldn’t even mind if you’re a bunch of spiders in a trench coat! As long as you’re honest with me.”
“Why did you use that example specifically?”
“Just an expression.”
“Oh haha, well, if we’re being honest, more than a few of my dates have turned out to be a bunch of spiders in a trench coat.”
“Really?! I thought it was just me! I was starting to think I was un-dateable.”
“No, don’t blame yourself. I think the apps are the problem. When a whole person is boiled down into a few sentences something is bound to get lost. It’s no wonder it feels like mixing honey and vinegar sometimes.”
“Wow. I love that. So which one are you, honey or vinegar?”
“Haha, well actually I don’t really like honey at all, so I guess vin–”
“Ummm…” (Crumples into thousands of bees)