Finding Their Happily Ever After… Apart
It was a beautiful sunny Tuesday as Cameron Walton & Elizabeth Bayers were happily divorced during a small but intimate ceremony at the Queens County Courthouse attended by both of their attorneys and Judge Anthony McDavis. The two originally met while taking a wine and advanced neo-impressionist painting class. It was love, or so they thought.
After three years of marriage, it was agreed by both that their problems could not be fixed through any amount of kids, couples therapy, or inebriated sessions of practicing their pointillist brush techniques. Cameron will be downgrading to a modest Prospect Heights condo as he relearns how to cook dinner for himself, while Elizabeth will be pawning her wedding ring to fund her journey of self-discovery in Bali.
3 Years, 2 Houses and 1 Big Mistake
David Carroll and Jessica Stein announced their separation this Friday night. The future ex-spouses met at Yale University as undergraduate students, where Ms. Stein studied Art History and Mr. Carroll Economics. The uncoupled own two properties, both of which will be held up in court proceedings for the next year while they fight over who gets the Sag Harbor cottage and who gets the Upper East Side penthouse.
Both sets of parents were present for the festivities and expressed their disappointments, as the families come from a long line of generational wealth, and this seemed a match made in heaven, also known as the Yale University Alumni Club of New York City.
When Harry Left Sally
A joyous occasion unfolded last week as Harry Fritz and Sally King made the next big leap in their relationship by untying the knot. The ex-soulmates had wed shortly after grad school, beginning fifteen years of marriage which eventually ran into issues that could not be mutually resolved. Mainly, Sally’s desire to be listened to and cared for more, and Harry’s desire to sleep with another woman, which he did with his secretary at Deloitte.
Tears of jubilation were shed as Sally was awarded their Westchester house and weekday custody of their three kids. A few days later, Harry proposed to his secretary, and the two plan to be featured in next week’s wedding announcements.
Un-Tying The Knot
Erica McConnell and Ashley Leigh were un-joined in holy matrimony in a rooftop ceremony at the pair’s Brooklyn brownstone. The former brides, both graduates of Smith College, met through a friend ten years ago, who was actually an ex-girlfriend to both Ms. McConnell and Ms. Leigh at various points in their pasts. Neither have plans to reunite with her at this time. They are, however, still negotiating custody of two rescue dogs, Snickers and Pom-Pom.
A Love Not as Strong as Their Prenup
Archie McCaffrey and Alejandra Gomez said, “I do” as they each signed the divorce papers at the law offices of Walton & Walton. The now-pronounced ex-husband and ex-wife enjoyed a very loving marriage full of magic and adventure. However, the adventure was cut short when Archie decided to quit his lucrative job at Merril Lynch to pursue what he’s always referred to as his true passion: stand-up comedy.
With their futures ahead of them, Alejandra will be using her alimony to set up a foundation to help children suffering from leukemia, and Archie will be performing five minutes at O’Sullivan’s Pub Wednesday Night and still needs seven more people to buy a ticket in order to guarantee his spot.
First Came Marriage, Then Came Revenge
Brian Bergen and Tricia Greene joined together in a celebration of severing all ties in front of 500 of their closest friends and family. The pair, who began dating after they discovered a shared passion for shuffleboard, surprised their guests with a slideshow showcasing their former spouse’s wrongdoings and infidelities, including racking up $100,000 in credit card debt and sleeping with everyone on the shuffleboard team, of which they are co-captains.