This beautiful world abounds with heartwarming moments. Six puppies cuddling in a basket. A kind smile from a stranger. A merger between two mega-corporations that ultimately results in an anti-trust lawsuit just after all the stakeholders cashed out.
Unfortunately, my nervous system has barely registered those earthly pleasures in years. The reason is that I am dead-frozen inside, and this fleece vest is the only thing that holds my cold capitalist heart at a temperature resembling warm-blooded life.
To make it in finance, you need to dress for success. There’s nothing like cruising through a bear market in matching Patagonias with my bros, Robert who we call Bob, Bob who we call Alex, and Alex who we call Robert.
But this is more than just a status symbol. Without our vests, one of us might actually freeze from the inside out as we witness the destruction one of our mergers has wrought on an Appalachian mining town. And we can't do that to Robert's girlfriend (a self-driving Tesla).
You know the saying “you have to have money to make money?” Well, you need to have vest to invest. All I know is that when the market moves I get a 15% cut, and my vest takes an additional 10% for keeping me from getting cardiac hypothermia in the middle of the trading floor. That’s because while we’re shorting stocks, we’re longing them too. It’s a business partnership that just makes sense.
Is it difficult to put small business owners out of work when they default on their mortgage? Is it hard to see five-year-olds crying because we let them take out a $60,000 pre-school loan they didn’t fully understand? I don’t understand the question. Heart on fire, mind on ice, vest on my torso. Sun’s out guns out, by which I mean yes, these Brooks Brothers arms control a not insignificant amount of Sturm, Ruger stock.
I still feel joy, I’ll have you know; this heather grey fleece is optimized for a variety of leisure activities. I love to eat, and 70 percent of my day is spent standing in line at Chopt. My favorite actor is Matthew McConaghey in Wolf Of Wall Street (I’ve never seen a film without Margot Robbie’s midriff in it and I don’t care to). I have been to the beach once and have a complex about it. I am frequently aroused—here are a list of things that turn me on: excel files that are color coded. Inserting a fintech lobbyist into a bilateral trade negotiation. Ramming pens in a little wire container on a desk. Cryogenics. I am just like you, but thermodynamically optimized for late capitalism.
And if nothing else, at least my vest allows the free market to control our office temperature, ensuring that our air conditioning stays at -45 Degrees Fahrenheit.