In his iconic Tools of Titans, Tim Ferriss interviewed a diverse range of individuals standing atop human civilization: entrepreneurs, YouTuber-entrepreneurs, surfer-entrepreneurs, white men with strong opinions on ice baths who fast “quarterly”, white men who can’t stand their families, and even venture capitalists. Five years later*, we’re proud to release the interviews that didn’t make the cut: the “B-Sides,” if you will, or “The Director’s Cut” if you still will, only douchier.
So grab a vegan smoothie, plunge your feet into a bucket of ice, and allow yourself, like an eager guppy, to be reeled in by Tim Ferriss, the ultimate Master Baiter.
*Readers have since requested more interviews and less self-suck-offery from Mr. Ferriss “The Ribless Wonder” himself. But listen: everything Tim Ferriss does is 98% Tim and 2% anything else, so you’re just gonna have to deal if you want the goods, mkay?
Anne Hatchet
Seventh Grade Teacher
I met Anne at my local vitamin boutique, and was drawn to her dead-eyed stare of a psyche pushed beyond its limit, a hallmark look among my interviewees.
“My daughter has this rare medical… thing”
…so we got another mortgage to fund these pills her doctor swears might help, and they’re probably bullshit, but what choice do we have? I’m just praying they work before we have to decide, you know, the house vs. her life. So every week I’m here, which believe me is the last thing I need after a day in school with those little monsters.”
Tim Ferriss (TF): I was humbled by Anne’s vulnerability. More interestingly, I discovered she purchased PrimalHarvest Turmeric Joint pills and Instacarted a two-year supply to my mansion outside Austin, Texas. I consume 30mg daily, and recently achieved such joint dexterity I punched a bull elk unconscious and felt nothing. Nothing.
“I’m lucky if I can scrape some peanut butter across bread at lunch, but some days I don’t even eat. Yesterday a little wretch approached after class and I was so dizzy I grabbed her for balance and, well, she left when I started crying, so at least that was done.
TF: Anne didn’t name her diet routine, but apparently follows a blended keto / intermittent fasting regimen. When I offered an introduction to my entourage of nutritionists and fasting planners, she only shouted “Ha!” and gripped the vitamins so hard I heard a pop.
“When in the hell… ?”
When asked if she’d ever Instacarted sixty pounds of ice to soak after strength reps in a state of ketosis (>.5 mmol), Anne asked “When, after work, and groceries, and dinner? Gosh, a hot bath would be lovely, but just imagine the water bills.”
Elizabeth Bailey
Six-Year-Old
I saw Elizabeth building sandcastles after surfing with my friend, entrepreneur, and professional surfer Laird Hamilton. I’d never seen such discipline.
“Mixing the wet and dry sand makes the castle strong.”
TF: I was struck by Elizabeth’s grit—her literal grit, here—and described the 25% zircon sand I encountered at an acroyoga retreat in the Nicobar Islands, with its optimal spring-sink ratio. Elizabeth filled her trowel with sand and flung it at me, chuckling heartily.
“This moat is for the mermaids.”
TF: I was impressed by Elizabeth’s architectural eye, and identified an opportunity to recruit her as design mentor for a moat around my small mansion outside Austin, Texas. Following tense negotiations with her father, Elizabeth joined as designer-in-residence, overseeing construction of a saltwater moat stocked with a coterie of dangerous predators: Brazilian piranhas flown in from the Rio da Dúvida and bioengineered to thrive in a 2% saline mix, and a Kenyan blend of free trade, single-origin crocodiles. Elizabeth was safely reunited with her family upon project completion.
Adolf Hitler
Scuba Instructor, Entrepreneur, Führer
I met Alfie (née Adolf) in the Maldives, where he’s built “Heil, Scuba” (the islands’ fastest-growing dive agency), syndicated best-selling tutorials, and developed a nutritional supplement line. I of course can’t commend all his work, but he undeniably is a dynamo: rising through the political ranks, building a global empire, and carrying out literally millions of other tasks.
“Ja, it’s scuba now, next ze world”
“They say ‘Alfie’s lost it,’ ‘Alfie’s off to sea,’ but they’ll see. If you control the sea, you control 70% of the world, and the rest is icing on ze pie. That you say, ja? On ze pie?”
TF: I had hoped to discuss Alfie’s ambitions, not politics. But I ended the interview when, after mentioning my time at a Himalayan tantric retreat, he accused me of gypsyhood. I think often of Alfie though, and wish him luck.
Tim Ferriss
Author, Podcaster, Entrepreneur
One morning in my bedroom, I saw Tim, mirroring my every move. We dressed exactly alike, and he seemed to reflect my every emotion. Great minds think alike, they say. We talked for hours.
“You’re brilliant.”
“No, you are!”
“And handsome.”
“You’re sweet.”
“I’m going to ice bath, but talk later?”
“You hang up first though.”
“No, you hang up!”
“Let’s count to three. One… Two…”
“…”
“…”
“You didn’t hang up!”
“Neither did you!”