You young guys have a lot to learn about women. But you're in luck. Rob Ford is here to tell you how to relate, dominate, and perpetrate when it comes to chicks. Pay close attention to what I'm about to lay down for you. As the mayor of the fourth largest city in North America, gentlemen, I invite you to join me in "Rob Ford's Campaign to Make it Rain."
1. Be a snappy dresser.
Guys, I cannot stress this enough. You need to be polished. You need to bring your A game to score truly premium tail. Pay attention to the details. If it's a dressy occasion, like dinner at an expensive restaurant, wear a great suit and set yourself apart with great accessories, like your Toronto Argonauts tie, or a big-ass necklace.
2. Be supportive of her hopes and dreams.
Take an interest in her life. Ask her about her plans, her goals, her career, no matter what it is. Even if she is a prostitute—ESPECIALLY if she's a prostitute—tell her you are 100% behind her (unless that costs extra).
3. Arrange an opportunity to showcase your skills.
I am a master of the oratory arts. I love sharing this passion. If you will join me, at say, a Toronto Maple Leafs game, I will happily demonstrate some good-natured verbal sparring as I eviscerate the fuckwits behind me attempting to assert that the Red Wings are "number one."
4. Make the date fairy-tale perfect.
As you may have noticed, I am a perfectionist. I want the date to be perfect. I'll do whatever it takes to make it a sweep-her-off-her-feet experience, down to the last detail. I will tweak whatever I have to just to make sure it's perfect. There will be lots, and lots, and lots and lots of tweaking. Like, a lot.
5. Be a gentleman.
I will pull out her chair, open her car door, and possibly even caress her butt during a press conference. While she may or may not be trying to interview you. Now, some female journalists may not realize that a press conference is a date. That's why you have to set the ground rules with some light groping. This is not, contrary to popular opinion, harassment. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. It is simply the physical manifestation of your gentlemanly appreciation of a really fine ass.
Or two fine asses, if the situation calls for it.
6. Seduce her with mood music.
I highly recommend the smooth sounds of Rush, Triumph, and Loverboy. Depending on what's on the table sex-wise, you may even want to throw on some Celine Dion, if you're feeling generous.
7. Introduce her to your friends.
When you're feeling comfortable, go ahead and introduce her to your buddies. Don't tell her how great you are, let them do it. I recommend starting off with: your brother, your cousin, maybe your bodyguard. I recommend holding off on: members of the press, any of your friends who are in what the government might classify as a "gang," your wife.
8. Be confident.
Man up. You make the rules. Know what you want, and what you don't want. What does Rob Ford want?
Rob Ford's turn-ons: A beautiful girl with a heart as big as her smile, who does not know how to use a camera phone.
Rob Ford's turn-offs: Underfunded city infrastructure upgrades, progressive elitists, fat chicks.
So, in conclusion, go out there and be awesome! Don't let stupid shit stand in your way, be it public intoxication laws, human resources, or common decency.
DO IT THE ROB FORD WAY!