- I can tell that this proposal isn’t landing with you. Can you explain how I could make it more effective in your eyes?
- I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
- I can see that solution doesn’t work for you. Let’s find a way to make you feel good about this situation where you called me a weenie.
- Truthfully, hot dogs are one of the most popular foods in the world, so if anything, I take it as a compliment when you call me a weenie.
- Ever heard of the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile? One of the most prestigious vehicles of all time? So yeah, I think I’m on the right side of history.
- How could weenie mean “weak-willed” to you? Do you know how powerful processed meats have to be in order to significantly increase your risk of colorectal cancer? You’re basically calling me a silent killer, which I find very flattering.
- I’m not saying being a killer is a good thing, it’s just incongruent with this office’s use of the term weenie, which I’ve heard a lot. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom because as I’ve made clear to you all in my interview and training, I have anxiety-induced IBS, and quite frankly, this office hasn’t done a lot to reduce flare ups. And you guys don’t even bother to check the stall before you start making fun of me. Who’s inattentive now?
- Ok, sure, maybe you don’t see my feet because I put my feet up on the stall door, but that’s not so that I can eavesdrop. I just like the way it feels and it gives me some leverage. You try using a standard-sized stall when you’re this gangly!
- Yeah, that’s right, I’ve heard everything. And you’re acting pretty high-and-mighty for someone whose dad just got bad news regarding his diabetes. Maybe you should spend more time worrying about your own dad’s blood sugar and less time worrying about how I “suck all of the air out of the room by being a weenie” and “taking over every meeting even though I literally just got hired.” Also, I would guess that if your dad limited his weenie consumption then maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation.
- I’m not trying to victim blame your dad. All I’m saying is that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and from where I sit, stretched out in the handicapped stall, it’s clear you need to get your own house in order.
- Don’t even try to pretend like you weren’t talking about me. I heard one voice say, “Wait, which new hire are you talking about,” and then another said reluctantly, “Really? You don’t know which one is the weenie?” and then multiple people laughed, myself included, because we all knew that it’s me.
- I think we’ve exhausted this conversation. Let’s just agree to disagree on the fact that I’m a weenie and move on to the next agenda item: whether or not I am a dink.
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