Dear Residents & Business Owners of Abernathy Drive:
This is to alert you that your street will be blocked off so that we can film a show that you and all your friends will really hate!
TRAUMA BACKSTORY, LLC will commence filming for the REI STREAMING SERVICE in your neighborhood on:
MONDAY, MAY 6th
We apologize in advance for any inconvenience, but this show is really going to put our streaming service on the map because it’s expected to be so widely hated. Why will it be hated, you ask? Here are some aspects of the program you’ll be able to hate-watch when it comes out three years from now:
- There will be 19 plot lines that you can’t follow happening in every episode, but they will only be addressed in the first and last two minutes. The main characters will be named Tad, Morglee, Suppa, and Caldwater. They are all incredibly hot but still unpleasant to look at.
- Everyone will have some horrific backstory like their brittle aunt was picked up and dropped by a hawk into a canyon in front of them. The show will flash back to this constantly so that you’ll remember to feel bad. Also this is a comedy.
- We will be using local community theater actors and every backdrop will be the kind of CGI that looks worse than video games you played in fifth grade but each episode will still cost $14 million.
- The story structure will be technically perfect but there will be no jokes, rapport between characters and every scene will just be an exposition dump inside of an REI store (synergy!). Like when Suppa tells Tad that the team of assassins is having their annual retreat at their alpaca farm (spoiler alert! Oops, should’ve put that at the beginning of the sentence).
- Characters who are 24 will have the newest car, a bountiful home, and a shrewd accountant while everyone else will be 62 and enjoying a series of no-strings hookups and never complain about knee pain or interest rates.
- This will be the loudest show you’ve ever heard yet you’ll have to turn on the captions anytime a character is outside or your window is open.
- Your parents will hate it because it’s too complex and nuanced; you’ll hate it because it’s too self-serious and also has musical numbers; your tween nieces and nephews will hate it because it’s not speaking to them directly, although there will be live comments on screen because why not?
In order to park essential vehicles and equipment, streets in your area will be posted as a NO PARKING/TOW ZONE during the following dates/times:
Thursday, May 6th from 4:00 AM to Tuesday, Dec 24th 6:00 PM
West to East—incoming bound 343 W. Abernathy Drive through 335 W. Abernathy Drive
If you have any questions, concerns or special needs, PLEASE CONTACT:
| Location Manager | Location Manager |
| Obama’s kid | Obama’s other kid |
| (323) 555-5404 | The same number? |
Permits and traffic control, if required, are being coordinated by the local film office and the police department because we need their manpower to make this series that will be so hated and used as an example of the entire streaming era’s nadir and perhaps humanity, instead of assisting the community and fighting crime (although this show will qualify as a crime, which is a nice little tax/legal loophole for us!).
We will NOT block driveways, loading zones, fire hydrants, bus stops or disable parking zones but we will be real assholes about everything else because even though we know we’re making an absolute turd of a product we are going to act like we’re transferring the ark of the covenant over here.
If you have any additional questions regarding this filming, you may also contact the local film office at (917) 555-7499. Please refrain from calling up to ask what’s so hard about making something decent or how we sleep at night, as we do not have answers to these questions yet.
We look forward to filming this new show in your neighborhood that will make you lose faith in the deity you currently believe in or cause you to go back to your house of worship if you have lapsed. Speaking of which, we will have the entrance to all churches and temples blocked off for our series that will seem so awful now but in 5 years you’ll wish TV was this good again.
Thank you for your cooperation.