“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.”
—Unknown
“Hell is other people.”
—Sartre
“Hell is hot, torturous, agonizing, painful, miserable, but above all, we’re a family.”
—Satan: Brand Ambassador of Hell
Listen, we get it. You’re bummed. You thought you were ascending to those bright, pearly gates but you ended up making one or two or twelve thousand wrong choices over the years, and now you’re suspended on a wall of shard glass as rabid monkeys devour your intestines and Dave Matthews’ 2002 album “Busted Stuff” blasts on repeat.
But Hell isn’t as devilish as everyone says it is. We mean, there are thousands of devils who will poke, pierce, embarrass, tar-and-feather, hang-draw-and-quarter, perform terrible tight-fives for all of eternity. This trusted guide will be everything you need to make the most of your experience in Hell for the rest of your existence.
Flames are Fearless Friends
Yes, they’re hot. 3,000-degrees Fahrenheit, to be exact. Yes, they’re mind-numbingly blistering. Yes, we’ve also programmed the flames to laugh louder as you cry harder. But flames do not have to be enemies. They’re fearless friends. The keepers of your special vileness. Unlike those you’ve wronged, they’ll never leave you and will always be by your side. And up your legs. Over your arms. Engulfing your face.
Nine Circles of Hell, Nine ______ of Hell
There are the nine circles of Hell, of course. If you haven’t been forced to endure them, you will. But, and forgive us for this cliche, Hell really is what you make it. Nine Hydrochloric Acid Slides of Hell. Nine German Shepherds That Routinely Bite You To Pieces And Then When You Come Back To Life They Do It Again of Hell. Nine Painful Memories That Cause You To Cry of Hell. It’s all here in bright with scalding orange, beautiful with horrifying atrocities, Hell!
The New Cafeteria
We can’t imagine you’ve gotten to Hell without hearing mumblings of our new, Google-inspired cafeteria. Like Google, the lunch is free and there’s a view of our new fiery lake (recently filled with walking—and extremely hungry—great white sharks!). However, the cafeteria seats one. And there’s only one meal every hundred years. And it’s a ten-year battle to decide who gets to eat the one piece of plain white toast provided in the new, Google-inspired cafeteria. By the way, you’re probably thinking, “I’m dead, so I can’t be hungry.” In Hell, the hunger is real and it’s worse than on Earth. The next meal is in 77 years, so start training!
You-ify Your Room
Every person in Hell is different. And we want your room to reflect that. We don’t want to stifle personality, expression, the thing that makes you you. So, please feel free to use your own blood to paint your walls, design your art, bring your special out.
The Heart is God's Greatest Gift, The 6-Foot Lacerated SpearTM is Satan’s
Who said membership doesn’t have its privileges? Not us. By being a slave of His Evil One, on your birthday we’ll let you use the recently designed 6-Foot Lacerated SpearTM for twenty minutes. With a 2-foot blade, leather handle, and the horrors of your enemies programmed into its rod, you’ll be able to do whatever you want with this beauty on your special day.
The Dos, The Don'ts
- Do use Hell serif, Hell bold, and Hell light.
- Don’t portray Satan with horns. He hates horns.
- Do take full advantage of the gym.
- Don’t wipe the equipment when you’re done. The sweatier the machine, the better.
- Do capitalize Hell in all mentions.
- Don’t hashtag Hell.
- Do join our private Snapchat group.
- Don’t post NSFW content in the group.
- Do have fun.
- Don’t have too much fun.
Hell is for you. It’s for you to make a mark, and receive countless painful, agonizing marks. It’s for you to swim in opportunity, and drown in defeat. It’s for you to be bold, and then beheaded. It’s for you to be the version of you you always dreamed of, and then tortured because of it.
Like Olive Garden, when you’re here you’re an out for blood-and-vengeance family. Congrats on being the newest member of the team. We’ll see you at the mandatory “Scalp the Newcomers” ceremony (be sure to wear your name tag!).
Welcome to Hell.