Welcome to the Museum of Museum Experiences. This audio tour will assist in providing you context, history, and a feeling of superiority over the other art enthusiasts who were too cheap to shell out for crusty headphones.

On your left you’ll see our first exhibit titled “Coat Check.” Proceed to wait for just long enough where you start to doubt whether it will really be worth it. At the counter is a woman who looks very unhappy, probably because she’s paid minimum wage with no healthcare benefits even though this museum regularly holds black tie galas and gets donations from the Sackler family. She tells you the price: 12 dollars. Is this too high? Too low? Much like your experience of art in general, you’re not actually sure how you feel.

The special exhibition to your right is called “Entry Times” where you will soon realize that no matter what time it is, you’re holding a ticket for the wrong time. You’re allowed in anyways but you’re left wondering what the point of the system is if no one seems to follow it. This is in itself a very self-aware commentary on the art world. Why? Because we said it with confidence therefore it must be true.

On your left you’ll find “A Crowd of People Obstructing The Most Important And Beautiful Painting Ever Made.” Rest assured that no matter how hard you try or however long you wait, you will never actually see the painting, which is rumored to be of a young woman whose wry smile conveys the satisfaction of having actually seen the most important and beautiful painting ever made. You’re welcome to buy a postcard of it in the gift shop, but it’s really not the same thing.

As you exit the room through the hallway you’ll notice a piece from our permanent collection: “Women’s Bathroom Line.” This piece is a feminist statement that raises awareness of the suffering of women in the art world by creating more of it.

This next area of the Museum holds an interactive installation where one performer will be assigned to be “Your Friend You Haven’t Seen In A While” while other performers will give you dirty looks as you try to make small talk. As you make your way through the room, notice the arbitrary amount of time that each of the performers lingers in front of each piece. Rest assured whatever pace you decide on, it will be the wrong one.

Across the hall in our Contemporary Art section take a closer look at “A Woman Crying While Looking At A Bronze Sculpture Of A Banana.” Why don’t you feel that way about literally anything? What’s wrong with you?

As you enter the next room you might be wondering why your entire body suddenly hurts. That’s because you just walked into “Museum Legs,” an experimental audio piece/police crowd-control weapon that produces soundwaves specifically designed to cause physical pain. This piece was designed by Lockheed Martin, a creative collective based out of Bethesda, Maryland and was envisioned in response to the widespread belief that art should be enjoyable. Please understand that if you do not “get it,” you are “stupid.”

Lastly, as you make your way to the exit, pass through our current sculptural exhibit: “Museum Cafe.” All of the life-like recreations on display are technically edible but not legally allowed to be called “food” by the state of New York as they are also 100% ceramic.

We hope you enjoyed your time at the Museum of Museum Experiences. But if you didn’t: make sure you take a photo so that everyone thinks you did.