I got out of bed and washed the dishes.
I dusted off the banjo and taught myself to play an old bluegrass favorite.
I read a novella, and then I read a novel, and then I wrote a novel, and then I got it published.
I changed my diet and exercise regimen and built the naked body of my dreams.
I called my mother to tell her I loved her, and just from hearing my voice, she could tell that I had built the naked body of my dreams.
I learned Norwegian so well that now I dream in Norwegian. When I tell stories to the new lifelong friends I made in the 12 hours TikTok was banned, I often have to pause to remember the English words for common nouns.
I became an expert in animal husbandry. The secret? Never go to sleep angry.
I got ordained as a Buddhist monk but quickly found my own, much more efficient way to achieve nirvana.
I drove my car drunk down the German Autobahn and the police pulled me over just to compliment how good my driving was.
I meal-prepped every single lunch for the rest of my life.
I made two hundred and thirty million dollars from wise investments in the stock market and gave all the money away to a group of hand-selected teen entrepreneurs from underprivileged backgrounds. Their startups each proved so successful, they gave me back my money with interest as a thank you.
I can now make the perfect chilaquiles.
I developed a deep appreciation for the American Southwest and amassed a collection of Navajo rugs. Elected tribal leaders visited my apartment and deemed my décor totally chill and respectful.
I solved a decades-old cold case by poring over microfiche archives of the Chicago Sun-Times at my local library. If Mr. Hayes was really in Milwaukee at the time of little Maria Randall’s disappearance, how could his front lawn have been so freshly mowed?
I counted up by sevens until I ran out.
I pioneered new methods in lovemaking.
I invented a machine to travel back in time, but I gave it away after realizing I have no regrets.
I learned so many Microsoft Excel tricks from YouTube tutorials that my brain physically expanded beyond the limits of my skull, its neurons developing new pathways with such force they generated more harvestable electricity than the Hoover Dam. I used my newfound, unfathomable intelligence to lift tall buildings off the pavement with my mind and run laps around the Earth. I know my power. I own my power. I own myself. I can never die.
I switched to Instagram Reels, but I guess I’ll switch back to TikTok now.