Dear Mr. Carkeet,
We recently sent you an invitation to check your credit score for free at YourCreditToday.com. Your response to our invitation included an entry in the “Comments” box that left us puzzled. Your comment was “Bite me.” Since you did not check any of the five action boxes we provided, we are not sure what action to take. Please clarify your comment in the “Additional Comments” box when you reply to this email. Our goal is to meet the needs of each and every valued customer 24/7.
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
Thank you for your response. YourCreditToday.com values customers like yourself, whose prompt communication signals a clear desire to stay connected. However, your clarification in the “Additional Comments” box puzzles us because it simply repeats your original comment, “Bite me.” Perhaps you meant to restate the comment with an explanation of its meaning. If so, we look forward to receiving that explanation. Remember that we never rest until we are satisfied with our customer relations.
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
We are delighted with your answer to our most recent correspondence because you have given us new information that we are prepared to act on. That new information, “Leave me alone,” is a clear statement of how we at YourCreditToday.com can best meet your needs. We have interpreted your words, correctly, we hope, as a request to terminate the correspondence growing out of our original invitation, sent as a courtesy to you personally, to view your credit score at no cost to yourself. We will of course honor this request and remove your name and contact information from our list, though we hate to see you go. There does remain one “loose end,” which is your original entry in the “Comments” section, which, you will recall, was “Bite me.” As soon as that matter is resolved, we will indeed comply with your most recent request. We want to help you help us help you.
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
Having received no response to our most recent email seeking clarification of your comment in response to our invitation to view your credit score at YourCreditToday.com, we have tried to reach you by telephone at the two phone numbers on file for you. We left several personal messages and received no return call, and now it seems that both of the numbers have been disconnected. Please advise us of your new number(s) and the best time for a personal representative to contact you. We won’t say we want to “work with you” because we don’t consider customer relationships “work.”
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
Having received no response to our most recent email requesting your phone number(s), we have sent a certified letter to your home address seeking clarification of your comment in response to our invitation to view your credit score at YourCreditToday.com. This email is simply a courtesy “heads-up” to alert you to the letter that will soon arrive. We are happy to do this for you. We don’t call the customer “job one,” because to us the customer is not a “job.”
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
Some time has passed since we sent you the certified letter seeking clarification of your comment in your response to our invitation to view your credit score on YourCreditToday.com. There are certain words that we at YourCreditToday.com do not use. One of them is “refuse,” as in “The customer refused to sign for the certified letter.” We are committed to gathering the very best information about our customers, and as a result we will be sending a personal representative to the home address we have on file for you. Are we taking a special interest in your case? You bet we are! Because each and every one of our customers is special.
Dear Mr. Carkeet,
Our personal representative was unable to find you at the home address we have on file, and we understand that you have unexpectedly relocated to another state. As soon as we are able to determine your new home address, our personal representative will be happy to pay you a courtesy visit.
Dear Mrs. Carkeet,
We want to offer our condolences for the loss of your husband, Mr. Carkeet, who we understand lost his life in a high-speed chase by an unidentified pursuer. Mr. Carkeet was a loyal customer at YourCreditToday.com, not of long standing, it must be said, but in the brief period of our acquaintance he showed substantial initial interest in our offerings, which we are sure he would have taken full advantage of had circumstances been different. We consider it only fitting that we now invite you, his surviving spouse, to memorialize this close relationship by viewing your personal credit score at no charge. Five action boxes are provided below, along with a “Comments” section. Experience has shown that the “Comments” section, when used properly, is a powerful tool in our customer relations.