Making Sense of Assholes with Hot Chicks

I've heard the question asked too many times to count: "Why do the assholes always get hot chicks?" I definitely wouldn't consider myself the token hot chick, but I once walked into ProCopy wearing a bumming-around-in-sweatpants type outfit and caught one of the college age employees rating me an 8 to another employee. So given that I am, at the very least, pretty fucking cute, and that I try to avoid assholes in general, I feel I'm qualified to speak on the subject with some objectivity.

Let me first say that probably 60% of the time this question is asked, guys are just pissed that they see a hot girl with another guy, so they automatically deem him an "asshole." The other 40% of the time, the general public would probably also come to a consensus that the guy is indeed worthy of the label "asshole."

Here are the three basic types of assholes for the purposes of this article.

Asshole to everyone. This guy thinks the world revolves around him. He's the one who honks at you to let him into traffic but two seconds later won't return the favor for another driver. He also enjoys taking advantage of any opportunity to nonchalantly (but not really) flex his biceps.

Asshole to everyone but his hot girlfriend and/or close friends, to whom he is extremely genial and loyal. He assumes everyone who likes him must be cool, by way of coolness by association. The Narcissist may actually be a pussy-whipped Elitist in disguise, who has managed to score a girl out of his league, most likely through pecuniary incentives.

Asshole to females. Usually found out drinking with his buddies doing manly men things while he makes his girlfriend do his laundry, the Chauvinist subscribes to the belief that a woman's place is barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. He views women as mere vessels to carry on the superiority of his genes.

There are a plethora of reasons why girls would be attracted to any one of these types, but the reasons they stay with them after realizing how they treat people are telling of bigger problems, like deeply-rooted insecurity, denial of how big of an asshole he actually is, the belief that she can change him (impossible), great sex, gold-digging, or daddy issues.

That said, there are a few issues concerning assholes with hot chicks that must be addressed.

It's okay for guys to like bitches, but not for girls to like assholes?

You never hear girls saying, "Why do all the bitches get the hot guys?" Okay, well maybe it's been said, but I've never heard it, and it's certainly not as ubiquitous as the question of why assholes always get the hot chicks. Guys do love the bitches though. Allow me to qualify that statement: Guys are turned on when they see a girl's bitchy side come out, but only when it is directed at other girls or another guy. Maybe guys don't want to marry a total bitch, but they're definitely more interested in dating her (i.e. banging her) over sweet Suzy homemaker, and if you're reading this, I'll assume you aren't interested in getting married anytime soon.

Before you pass judgment on the asshole for his sinister motivations, thinking something like, "He only wants her for the sex. I would be so much better for her," consider your own motivations for wanting to get with the hottie—probably not because you're interested in how mean a pineapple upside-down cake she can fix. I'm not at all implying that guys are out to get to get one thing and one thing only, but I would venture to say that the first thing that goes through any heterosexual male's head between the ages of…oh, say…14 and 29, when he sees a girl is usually, "Would I do her?" The exception to this would be if he's on a beer run—then it's, "I need more beer," followed immediately by, "Would I do her?" It's okay. Embrace it, because you sure as hell can't change it.

Girls don't have quite the same sexual impetus for our decision-making processes, but there is a similar psychological motive in striving to attain what we perceive to be unattainable. Assholes give off the vibe that they don't need a girl, and if he's not with her, it'll be the next girl he finds remotely interesting. This makes the asshole a commodity, instead of a desperate creep, and the less desperate a guy comes across, the more appealing he becomes (or, at least, less repulsive). Here's a word analogy to break it down for all the SAT/GRE nerds:

DEET : mosquitoes :: desperation : pussy

This logic is comparable to any other commodity girls want…say, Gucci purses or Monolo Blahnik heels. Women will beat each other unconscious to get an exclusive product that other women want. Assholes have mastered the ability to make girls want them without revealing reciprocation, and this in turn causes more girls to want them.

Wow, Paris reads? …Oh, just pretending for the camera. That's so cute!Try reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu. It's got all kinds of gems about unconventional, deceptive ways to get what you want. There's a story that Sun Tzu once had this king's two favorite concubines beheaded because they wouldn't take orders; the king then hired him on the spot. Let's recap: totally dick move results in awesome outcome. The assholes have got this down to a science.

Girls like hot guys. Sometimes hot guys are assholes.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but guys want hotties to look past all their superficial shortcomings to see the great stuff inside, because that's what really matters, right? Oh, wait, if it goes both ways, then that would mean considering girls like that really funny fat chick in your physics lab. Damn.

While girls are not as animalistic as the other half of the species, and definitely the more compassionate ones, we're not blind. Physically fit, good-looking dudes are more likely to get good-looking girls than dudes who think pizza and beer are the two main food groups for survival, and who would rather play Madden or World of Warcraft all day than get their lazy asses up off the bean bag or computer chair to hit the gym for an hour, three or four times a week. If you see a smoking hot girl, you can bet she takes a lot of time to take care of her body, so she's most likely going to be attracted to someone who also values his appearance and makes an effort to take care of himself.

I mean, if you were super fit (go look in the mirror…you could do better), would you settle for a girl that was just alright, no matter how nice, funny, or charming she was? If you're like 95% of guys in their sexual prime, you'd get the hottest girl with a pulse who would give you the time of day. So don't hold a double standard for ladies who won't settle for you, just because your mother tells you you're handsome and funny and going to be the president one day. She has to tell you that stuff. You're her fucking offspring.

Girls like guys who aren't complete gentleman all the time.

Opening the car door and doing other polite things for a girl is a turn-on, but taking the gentleman thing too far and always respecting a girl's boundaries, physical and mental, will probably end up with her labeling a guy as her male confidant on all her relationship issues. Maybe the "asshole" she's with isn't as much of a great, stand-up guy as you know you are, but the elusive hottie (crikey, I sound like Steve Irwin) doesn't necessarily care so much about being treated like a princess or having intelligent conversation (as essential as those things are in a meaningful relationship) when she's thinking about what a guy would be like in bed. As much as women bitch about being objectified and disrespected in every other aspect of life, when it comes to sex, it's sometimes very gratifying to know that a guy will risk overstepping our boundaries because he wants to fuck the shit out of us…or maybe that's just me.

The Asshole to Hotness Proportionality

Figure 1. Tolerability of assholeness as a function of hotness. The relationship is inversely proportional, assuming nonvariable attractiveness of the asshole. (Note: Ranking on scale of 1-10 is not necessarily to scale.)

Whatever the circumstances of the relationship, there is an asshole to hotness ratio that dictates just how much of an ass a guy can be before being forced to downgrade or learn some chivalry to keep his hot girl from ditching him (see Fig. 1).

Case in point: Fergie and Josh Duhamel. He's totally hot, and Fergie is okay I guess, but let's face it, she's one of the celebrities that actually became famous for her talent, not her beauty. According to the proportionality model, Josh is probably an all-around-good guy that enjoys being a total dick on a weekly basis. As you can see, the hotness to asshole ratio makes it simple to quickly assess characteristics about the individuals in any relationship, from a completely uninvolved standpoint.

Fergalicious!