Dear Colleagues,
It’s with a heavy, yet ever hopeful heart that I must announce I will be leaving Capital Political solutions for a lobbying position with the [redacted] Family Trust and associated offshore tax shelters.
When I first stepped into this office, I wanted to make a difference. I was just an idealistic kid with nothing more than ambition, determination, and the portfolio of Fortune 500 clients my father gave me at graduation before he retired. (He sends his best from Dubai.)
I’ll always remember my first big win here for the little guy. For those of you who were too young to have been around, or too distracted by your father’s senate campaign,(looking at you T-bone), I’ll set the scene. An energy company in Oklahoma wanted to look for oil on an important piece of land belonging to a Native American tribe. The tribe was concerned about the negative impact oil exploration would likely have. A real David vs Goliath story. Congress was considering a bill to put a stop to the project. I jumped in to help out. You know how J-Dog likes a challenge, so I rolled up my sleeves and started knocking on doors.
A long week of power lunches later, I killed that bill, and now that oil company is worth $10,000,000,000! Because nice guys really do finish first, when that same company inadvertently caused a spill that decimated the local environment, they called me to protect them from the bullies at the EPA. If the investigators had their way, an innocent company would have had to pay for a complete accident, and dividend payments would have been cut! I have that little battle to thank for my place in The Hamptons.
But the world has changed. A suitcase full of bundled campaign donations doesn’t do the good it once did. To keep making real change I need a new challenge. That’s why I’m excited to be joining the [redacted] Family Trust and associated offshore tax shelters. With this new opportunity, I’ll be able to make an even more positive impact on the world.
I took on my first assignment for them just last weekend. I met with a certain autocratic leader of a small republic who has been hostile to democracy, and to the idea of permitting an oil pipeline to cross his country. (If you want old J-Dog to tell you who, you’ll just have to buy me a drink or 2 at my going away party, evite attached!) I’m thrilled to report we arranged for a military coup to replace that President with a general who could not be more pro-pipeline.
More than anything, the [redacted] Family Trust and associated offshore tax shelters are about family. It’s those moments I’m looking forward to most of all. Nothing I’ve accomplished here can possibly compare to the chance to look into the eyes of a father halfway around the world, and tell him “Yes sir, we took care of that little issue with the pedestrian’s body, and as we speak his highness is on a plane home.”
I’m so grateful for the increased ability to make a difference that my new position as a consultant for one of the world’s wealthiest families affords. Doing good without having to worry about things like “patriotism” or “consequences.”
This is a bittersweet day for me. I’ll miss your friendship and the great things we accomplished here at CPS. Know that I am carrying our mission to this new challenge. When you hear about voting irregularities helping a plutocrat take power in Central America, or a shadowy interest group obliterating an overstepping news organization here at home, you can rest assured that your old pal J-Dog is still out there, doing what he can to leave things a little better than when he found them. Please feel free to drop me a line through one of the Panamanian shell companies I have listed below; don’t be strangers!
Yours,
Jackson (J-Dog) Billings Jr.
Director of World Affairs, the [redacted] Family Trust and associated offshore tax shelters