Well, it's that time of year again. The time when every single news station runs a story reminding parents to check their children's Halloween candy for razor blades, and, frankly, I'm sick of it.
Look, I know people who like to hunt or fish or get together with a few of their buds and crack open a few cold ones over a game of cards. But, for my money, nothing beats an autumn evening spent in the company of my wife and five dogs, nestled snugly in my rocking chair in front of a roaring fire, pushing razor blade after razor blade into an entire bag of fun-sized Snickers bars.
Now, jamming razor blades into Halloween candy may seem like a strange hobby to some, but one of my earliest memories is my daddy showing me how to properly insert a blade into all forms of confectionery, just like his daddy taught him. Putting razor blades into Halloween candy is part of my heritage, and I take a certain familial pride in slowly pushing a standard size Uline replacement blade into the soft, nougaty center of a Three Musketeers bar.
The truth is, plunging a handful of razor blades into a Caramello has a therapeutic effect on me. It soothes my nerves and strengthens my focus, much like hot yoga does for my neighbor, Barry. The only difference is, Barry is shelling out hundreds of dollars in an effort to achieve peace of mind, and all I'm out is 100 Grand (plus the cost of a pack of razors).
Personally, I blame the media, who, in their rush to condemn people who enjoy inserting razor blades into Halloween candy, forgot the old adage: Razor blades in Halloween candy don't kill people, people kill people.
You know, my daddy always said that the only way to stop a bad guy who puts razor blades into Halloween candy is with a good guy who puts razor blades into Halloween candy. So, this year, parents, I’m encouraging you to set aside a portion of your candy stash and plug it full of razors. That way, should someone show up at your doorstep offering you and your sweet children Mounds bars full of razor blades, you’ll be ready to give them a taste of their own sugar-rich, blade-filled medicine.
Just be sure to clearly label which pile is which, and advise the Trick-or-Treaters against laying a finger on the razor-blade-centered Butterfingers. Safety is such a big concern of us razor-candy-ers.
Becuase at the end of the day, it is up to us to educate people about this issue and teach them razor blade in Halloween candy safety. If you ask me, this is a mental health issue, and the public needs to understand that if a crazy person is intent on killing someone, taking away their blade-crammed candy is not going to stop them from doing it.
So, why strip away the rights of people like me, a man in perfect mental health who wants nothing more than to shove a razor blade into a Pecan Chunky purely for kicks?
Now, there are some people out there who are calling for an outright ban on my God-given right to ram a utility blade into a Kit-Kat bar, and to those people I say: Gimme a break. You can have my razor blade-studded Whatchamacallit when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
And, really, if we’re going to go after anyone this Halloween season, shouldn’t we be going after people like my hippy-dippy neighbor Barry who hands out healthy snacks like apples and carrots? Those people are the real sickos!