You: Why is my bonus a pet rock?
Boss: Financial bonuses are impersonal. I wanted to give you something that reflects our team culture of professional yet fun, visionary yet simple, and resilient yet bedazzled in glitter.
You: Is my bonus just a pet rock?
Boss: Of course not. Your bonus is also a colleague, companion, and confidante.
You: Is there a financial component?
Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
You: Was everyone’s bonus a pet rock?
Boss: I received only enough cash to fund first-class flights for my forty-person extended family and me to attend Mount Rushmore's week-long pet rock convention.
You: Why did you get cash?
Boss: My boss couldn’t be bothered to go to a hidden cove, search on hands and knees for a rock that had my likeness, swaddle it, take it home, polish it, bond over a shared love of Dwayne Johnson, then deface it with fluorescent feathers.
You: Did anyone else get cash?
Boss: Everyone but our team.
You: I’m the only one on your team.
Boss: Yes.
You: Why would you do this to me?
Boss: I’m the only boss thoughtful enough to give something personal.
You: Isn’t cash just as personal as an inanimate object?
Boss: But she’s not inanimate. Haven’t you spent any time with Pebbles?
You: Who is Pebbles?
Boss: Just look at her big googly eyes. Stare into them as they wobble and jiggle. Gaze upon her permanent marker mouth, her pipe-cleaner ears, and her pink sticker cheeks. Isn’t she just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? Can’t you hear her wordlessly whisper “Daddy?”
You: Are you suggesting Pebbles is not only a colleague, companion, and confident but also my daughter? I already have real kids. My wife and I agreed we weren’t going to have any more. I’ve had a vasectomy.
Boss: Think of this like adoption. But we’ve done all the paperwork for you.
You: I told my real kids we could go on a holiday with my bonus. What will I tell them?
Boss: Mommy and I promised Barbados. But plans have changed—you’ve got a new sister!
You: Can I leave Pebbles at work and tell them I got no bonus this year?
Boss: But you've had a fantastic year and received a commensurate bonus. And unfortunately, we have an office policy against pets and kids.
You: What will my bonus be next year?
Boss: If you can believe it, I’m planning something even better than a pet rock. I’m thinking something like a company-branded candle or a diorama of our office setup. Or maybe just my gratitude.