Every man is asked to do it at least once. It is easily the most degrading job in the world, but as a man you are obligated to take it. It can be like a Band-Aid and ripped off quickly with minimal pain, or it can be like an all-expense paid trip to Gitmo. What is this retched and thankless job you ask? It is the job of the wingman, the man whose sworn duty and sole purpose is to get his buddy laid that night.
The selfless acts of a wingman often go unnoticed. However, without one, nights can end in tragedy. Good men could be left in the friend zone or worse, cock-blocked by the dreaded fat beast of a friend who the girl has let out of her cage that night. Every girl seems to have this friend too. If Brad Pitt came up to the aesthetically pleasing female of the evening with hundred dollar bills falling out of his shirt sleeves and offered to take her in his private jet to a weekend in the Bahamas of nothing except fine wine and dancing, this friend would tell that girl through a mouth full of whatever on God's green Earth she could cram in there that he's not good enough for her.
But a wingman can change everything. With a wingman, you can be talked up and avoid the friend zone. 70% of what a woman sees in a man is his personality. Of course, these are just the statistics of a mere marginally attractive average male—I like to believe that I have overacchieved in my conquests with women. I owe it all to good wingmen and a somewhat decent personality, because my looks are not quite on par with what women would consider upper echelon.
For a wingman to be good, there are certain criteria he must meet in order for you to attain your desired lady. Here are the most important factors.
1. He has to be either drunk or a heavy drinker.
Someone's getting the fat end of the stick, and it's not you.The fat friend of your beautiful lady is not looking for love. She is out to find someone to nag. She would like nothing more than to talk someone's ear off about how much her life sucks and how big a mistake her friend is making. In reality, the only reason lard ass thinks it's a mistake is because she's way too fucking unattractive for any guy with self respect to even think about talking to. That's where your drunken ally comes in. He will either drink her pretty or at the very least, be way too fucked up to care that he's sitting next to a fucking mammoth. This in turn will keep her occupied and away from her attractive friend, leaving you to reap all of the prospective benefits.
2. He has to be extremely persuasive.
You have to know coming into the evening that your wingman will have your back no matter what goes down. If the girl you're trying to get with is a complete and utter bitch, you have to know that he will do his best to soften the blows and make you seem like you have the fucking looks of Pierce Brosnan, the sense of humor of Seth Rogen, and a cock with a girth that can rival Tommy Lee.
3. He has to be less attractive than you.
Be honest with yourself, no hot girl is going to want to fuck the ugly friend.
4. He has to be a good liar.
Her fat friend has to think that he is at least a little bit interested in her. And besides, what does it hurt your chances if she thinks that you are a multi-millionare with three stretch Escalades sitting on 24's? It's a one night stand, make it look good.
5. He has to be willing to bite the bullet.
In extreme scenarios, he may have to come home with the big bitch. Occasionally this means fucking her. You have to know that your wingman will not fold under this pressure, rather rise to the occasion. (HAHAHAHA! I made a penis joke there. Get it? Whatever, fuck you too.)
There you have it, the rules for an effective wingman. When followed, these rules ensure that one man goes home extremely happy and thus owes his wingman a big favor, which likely means playing wingman for him the next time that they go out.