Dear Evergreen Mutual,

Thank you for considering Trinity Risk Solutions for your bank’s insurance needs. We regret to inform you that we are unable to proceed with your application. Upon thorough review, our agents have concluded that your bank only exists in the upcoming film Siege Day (2026), and current market research suggests that fictional TV and film scenes set in banks have an overwhelming tendency to develop into armed robberies.

Sorry, just not a wise investment for us.

While we were impressed with your application, our firm no longer issues policies for fictional settings that could contain vaults, safety deposit boxes, ATMs, or any target for a gang of gun-wielding criminals each looking to score big before turning on each other and taking the cash all for themselves.

And no matter how fun their matching masks are (and it’s always something fun like Clowns or Rugrats or the Simpsons, which you’d think would be a whole IP thing), it never winds up very fun.

While very few of these robberies wind up successful, we still can’t afford to pay out emotional damages to the hostages. We’ve lost several millions in payouts to pregnant women who went into labor mid-robbery, married characters who pretended to be strangers but accidentally let their relationship slip, and unlikely hero-types who saved the day at a heavy cost.

Remember the opening scene from The Dark Knight? That was one of ours. We almost went belly-up from that payout, and all so that the film could establish the main antagonist’s anarchic value system and get an (admittedly cool) shot of our $68 million all ablaze.

Or what about Baby Driver? Surely you saw Baby Driver. Who would’ve thought a bank in a movie called Baby Driver would be anything but safe? Like, if we agreed to cover the credit union from Heat, that’d be on us. But it’s Ansel Elgort and Jon Hamm, for cryin’ out loud.

Not to mention that these banks almost always get robbed with the aid of in-cahoots branch managers. Sure, we recovered those payouts. But it’s just not worth the cost of combing through flashback footage to remind audiences that the double-cross was telegraphed throughout.

Ah man, did you catch Novocaine? That was us, too. Didn’t see that one coming. Our guys in research thought a Jack Quaid movie would be too science fiction-y to wind up all sideways. That was supposed to be a sure thing.

And you’d think TV banks would be a safer investment, but boy, would history prove you wrong. It feels like almost every TV show bank we’ve insured inevitably gets held up in a nail-biting bottle episode. Take Psych S3E8, Castle S4E7, Leverage S1E5, Burn Notice S2E13, Diff’rent Strokes S3E1, Family Matters S2E7, to name a few.

There were a handful of scenes in Seinfeld set in our banks that wound up fine, but that’s about it. Is there any way you could shift your business model towards a snarky sitcom about life’s petty minutiae?

We want to reiterate that this is not a reflection of your application’s quality. It’s simply that in the current market, banks and credit unions are reliable set pieces for rapid character development and high-wire intrigue. If you want someone to blame, blame Ocean’s 11. Or Ocean’s 12. Or 13. Or 8, for that matter.

Unfortunately, our hands are tied. Like with zip-ties, behind our backs. If only we had a nail file or spare bobby pin in our pocket. No one would see that coming. We could really shake up the third act.

Thank you again for your application. We hope that you’ll consider Trinity Risk Solutions in the future for any life insurance policies you wish to take out on title characters who will obviously never get killed off.

Sincerely,
Trinity Risk Solutions, LLC