Dear Valued Applicant,
On behalf of the committee of my time and attention, I regret to inform you that your promotion request from “coworker” to “friend” has been denied. We know this isn’t the news you wanted to hear, but unfortunately our pool was full of more qualified applicants or people we already know who lived closer. Also it’s come to our attention that SpongeBob episodes are still being produced and there is a Patrick Star spinoff, so our time quota for the quarter has been reached.
Because we respect the time and effort required to complete this application, we’d like to offer some insight into our categories of consideration and selection rationale in service of your future attempts at promotion.
First, your personal life. Unfortunately, you seem stable and your partner is a decent and tolerable person, albeit dull. While this is typically a positive quality, we have a number of existing team members with this skill set and are looking for someone with weekly chaos and piping hot tea (think erratic breakups or roleplay with characters from the Insurance Universe).
Should your relationship change to one of intrigue, scandal, or take place with a celebrity we’d like to know more about, consider re-applying. However, please note friend roles of that nature are short-term only and will be terminated without notice in two to three months. Should our nice normal friend with the crock pot and cool baby relocate to somewhere we don’t want to drive, we’ll absolutely keep you in mind.
Your work competency. In your current role as Marketing Coordinator II, you appear invested in the success of the company and your responsibilities. We’re looking to discuss the absurdity of employment, or ways we think we could totally get away with committing fraud, and your competency and interest in your role indicates that these conversations are not permissible with you at this juncture. As you can imagine, that takes a lot of friendship mileage off the table.
Your schedule. We need coverage from 11:00 PM-3:00 AM on the nights of the week where we have ideas about who we’d cast in a musical version of Breaking Bad (M-F), and your perceived availability is not a fit. In your provided availability from 5:00-8:00 PM, we have strict policies about not seeing any people who remind us that we will spend roughly a quarter of our time on earth saying “Thanks for flagging! Will update” to people we would never add to our AMC A-List Entourage.
Your interests, generally. During your interview, you mentioned several things that induced doubt in the committee about our compatibility, namely your love of early morning hikes, vegan baking, and raves. These interests are unappealing individually and paint the committee a picture of a person with much self-discovery to do and we can’t be around for that. Should you find yourself in more of a position to eat a brunch or watch SpongeBob (there are 15 seasons!) please reach back out.
Your experience. Our records indicate that you still have more than five close relationships from college which speaking frankly, the committee finds weird. Maintaining a friend group beyond an annual trip to someone’s parent’s waterfront property a full decade after graduation is not aligned with the committee’s core belief that we are our most insufferable in college and the three years thereafter. We’re open to the possibility that the committee is jealous of the relationships you cultivated during those formative years, but we lack the resources and stability to conduct a full investigation at this time.
Your current book of business. Again, we’re so happy that your relationship is stable, but we also think your boyfriend is pretty lackluster and it is in violation of our policies to nod warmly at men who are so fucking boring after work hours—we’re unable to carry that shit home. Again, should you choose to rebound with someone who is mean or egregious to a fun degree (you can find the exact criteria in our Handbook) please notify the hiring team.
We cannot thank you enough for taking the time to apply and provide your credentials, and we’re confident you’ll make another colleague an incredible weekend rave hang. As stated above, we will be sure to keep you in mind for future positions, and look forward to our continued relationship as coworkers who enjoy chatting for the amount of time it takes a Pikes Place pod to become coffee. Be well.