There is nothing that can ruin a perfect day like getting ass-raped on the sidewalk on your way to class. No, not literally… perverts. It is unbelievable the number of ways in which people make the simple task of getting from Point A to Point B via sidewalk a journey of epic proportions. I'd never thought I'd see the day that actual tact was needed to follow fucking pavement. But here we are, reviewing "Sidewalk Etiquette for Dumbasses, Vol. 1."
It always starts the same way: I walk outside, hopeful that class will go quickly so I can get back to playing Sonic the Hedgehog on my Wii. There's usually even a smile on my face. Now here comes the first question: Which side of the sidewalk do you walk on? If you answered, "the left side," you are the reason I'm writing this article. Congratulations, you're a pain in the ass. Now go back to England. Or China. To me, it seems logical that you should always keep to the right. It allows both directions of walkers a clear path with space in the middle for passing. Why would it ever seem logical to someone to walk on the left side?! There is obviously a flow of traffic coming towards you. Are you stupid? Righty oh, you are.
You'll know when you've hit bottom: it feels like me shoving you onto a sidewalk.The next obstacle course is the bike lane. Now at my lovely college the bike lane isn't on the side of the road, it's beside or sometimes connected to the sidewalk. There are clear white lines showing you where it is. Why is it that people think it's acceptable to walk there? It is a bike lane, and you are not on a bike. Simple as that. When you walk in the bike lane, the bikers have to swerve out of the lane, around your dumb ass. Guess where they swerve. The regular sidewalk. Guess who's walking there. Everyone who's not on a fucking bike! No offense to the bikers out there, but just because your bike is made for the road and you have to lean forward to reach your handlebars, you are not Lance Armstrong. You are not capable enough to race through groups of people. And I am not capable of getting to class with a broken leg. Just hit the kids in the bike lane. By walking in your lane, they've made themselves dispensable.
Before you know it, you've made a nice trip back to high school. Here's an idea, guys: Why don't we walk in a row of five, shoulder to shoulder, so we can hold hands and gab about the new episode of The Hills! O-M-G it'll be so much fun! Fuck that. The groups of three to five people that block the whole sidewalk inevitably walk slower than most people trying to get to class, and they obstruct every route around them, usually even the grass. Not that I don't love frolicking through campus, but seriously, you're not 15 anymore. I especially loved it when I overheard this conversation between two girls (we'll call them Alice and Amanda):
Alice: Amanda, there are people behind us trying to get by. Move over a bit.
Amanda: What? I don't need to move for nobody. I'm gonna walk the way I wanna walk. They'll just have to wait.
WHAT?! Not taking into account the fact that they were a sturdy 350 pounds each, which qualifies their group of two as three or four people, these people have serious problems. You are really mentally disabled if you think I give a shit what speed YOU wish to walk. I have class to get to. Believe it or not, you do not own the sidewalk, even though you are as wide as it. Get the fuck over.
So, besides getting a lot of anger out in this article, I feel a little better now that I just might have fixed a few wrongs. Maybe that left lane walker is out there reading this and realizing that they've been a fucking huge inconvenience for their entire college career. Barring them dropping out from the shame of being an imbecile, I am hopeful they will graduate to normal sidewalk etiquette. And as for you groups of people who get in my way: The world will continue to spin even if you can't tell your friend about the hot girl you were eye-fucking in class until you reach your next destination. Could you stop walking in rows of four now?