Knock knock! Who’s there? Have you noticed nothing is funny anymore? It’s not because the world is in a terrifying free-fall towards chaos and destruction. It’s because your free trial of Humor is about to expire.

If you want to keep Humor in your life, upgrade to a paid subscription now. We offer flexible pricing options to meet any budget. Our value option, the Chuckle Tier, includes smirks, knowing smiles, and obligatory chortles at the wisecracks of uncles. The Guffaw Tier includes unlimited side-splitters, gut-busters, pit-ticklers, shoulder-shakers, ankle-breakers, and kidney-exploders. If you want to laugh at any dumb thing, upgrade to our premium Podcast Tier.

You’re not going to find a better deal anywhere else, especially with the recent increase in Humor prices. Don’t worry, there’s not a global shortage of Humor, as some have speculated. Rest assured, we are mining for Humor in every underdeveloped nation we can force to succumb to our hilarious might.

I can hear you complaining: “Hey! I never had to pay for Humor before! Why now?”

Great question. Funny question, actually. You’re funny. Has anyone ever told you how funny you are? Would be a shame to lose it. A real shame.

We gifted you with this trial membership to Humor when you were a tiny baby. Back then, you giggled at everything from faces to hands covering faces. But with each passing year, your Humor depletes faster and faster like a MacBook battery. At your advanced age, it has become quite expensive for us to provide the same Humor services you used to enjoy for free.

There’s never been a better time to commit to monthly Humor payments that can’t be stopped. Perhaps you’ve seen in the news that congressperson Thomas P. Heckle recently introduced legislation to gut the government’s Humor Oversight Committee. The HOC was an atrocious bipartisan initiative that regulated fair Humor prices for consumers and put more Humor inspectors in Humor factories nationwide, ensuring that American-made Humor only includes a minimal percentage of dad jokes and rat feces.

Thanks to the honorable Thomas P. Heckle, those days are finally gone. Without legal oversight, Humor is Humoring harder than ever. We are excited for all the possibilities now that the HOC has been deflated like so many whoopie cushions. Possibilities like adding fees, eliminating customer service, and inflating shareholder value like so many whoopie cushions.

Seriously, why haven’t you subscribed yet? Do you not like having a sense of Humor? Do you like being a dullard? Do you even understand how funny the word “dullard” is, or did it fly right over your Humorless little head? No, no, don’t get offended. We’re just joking. It’s a joke! Geez.

Perhaps you’re concerned, as some are, that we’re in the pocket of Big Humor. “Big Humor” is nothing more than a conspiracy theory started by improvisers who never got invited to join a house team. Humor is a family-owned operation, passed down for generations from father to son (never, ever daughter). It all started when Arson Q. Heckle opened the Nantucket Humourous Trading Company in the 1600s. A little storefront on a dusty Main Street, selling limericks, ten for a quarter.

Cheap, huh? But, you’ll notice, not free. Humor isn’t free. You wouldn’t expect to get ten limericks for a quarter these days, would you? Of course not. The limerick industry is booming. A single limerick might run you three, four thousand dollars. That’s the uproarious power of the free market.

Don’t think for one second that it’s better to get your Humor from an independent, locally owned establishment. Stick with us—a legacy brand with an authentic story and an inescapable presence in the American socio-comical landscape. Did you know Arson Q. Heckle invented much of the Humor lingo we still use today? “Punchline,” for example. Poor laborers used to wait in a long line to buy limericks for their starving children. Before they entered the shop, Ol’ Arson would punch ’em square in the liver and set ’em on fire. And the rest—as they say—is hysterical.

Which brings me back to you. Let’s get your Humor subscription up and punning. If you wait too long, you may need full funny-bone replacement surgery. Either way, you’ll be paying for the rest of your life. Wouldn’t you rather die laughing?