Oh my god! You’ve been caught in a bear trap and you need me to help? Of course, what can I do? What do you need?
I’m sure you were hoping I’d say something like that, but I’m not a sucker. “I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. That’s right up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Nice try buddy, but this old ruse is exactly how I met my ex.
Let me guess, you’re “in a lot of pain and need medical attention?” Yeah, that’s exactly what Paul said to me when I found him, leg broken in two places from the jaws of the trap. And he never paid any attention, medical or otherwise, to me. At least say “I’m in a lot of pain and need medical attention, beautiful lady” if you don’t want to make this all about you.
But that’s not really your style, is it hotshot? You seem the type that loves to put on a big show, laying prone, bleeding from eight fresh leg wounds. A real Narcissus, but guess what, pal? I’m not going to be your pond, reflecting your maimed leg back at you. And by the way, when I met Paul, he had twelve lacerations. To impress me, you're going to have to be at least 50% more injured.
Oh you’re “afraid that you’re going to bleed out?” Seriously! It’s like you all have the same exact playbook. When I took Paul to the hospital, he told me “You’re not like other girls—you have O-negative blood and the doctor says I need a transfusion from you immediately.” Did you know I went around for so long thinking I was better than other women because of that? It took years of therapy to get over that pick-me-girl baggage. Now I know that a woman is just as valid if she has AB-positive blood. And you want to undo that work?
“I’m the only person you’ve seen on this trail in an hour and you need me to help?” Wow, way to make a girl feel special, big guy. Don’t think I’ll be chomping at the bit to go home with you after calling me your only option. But that’s just what you nearly-fatal-bear-trap-accident guys do—you have the single girls you meet on the trail come to rescue you, nurse you back to health, and then break up with you by saying,
“Thank you for all the help and support you’ve given me Elizabeth, but you were never my girlfriend in the first place” and “I was dying and I appreciate that you participated in the emergency blood transfusion that saved my life. I guess also thank you for your kidney, although I’m pretty sure you didn’t need to do that since getting caught in a bear trap is largely a musculoskeletal issue and not a waste filtering problem.”
Men are always saying this to me.
You… need me? Oh wow. Nobody has ever said that before, not even Paul. I guess I shouldn’t be closing myself off to life’s possibilities just because of my past experiences. While your leg was caught in this bear trap, I was caught in my own past.
Ok handsome, let’s call you an ambulance. Why don’t I come ride with you to the hospital, talk to your doctors about your treatment plan and just see where this thing goes? Who knows, if things go well, maybe I’ll let you donate a kidney to me, sweetheart. Because trust me, I need one.