Alright New Pope, I guess you're here to stay. I've been holding off on writing this because I kept thinking it was a hoax and Old Pope would come back at any moment to resume his post. He'd say, "Just kidding, guys, I'm back, get this jerk-off outta my chair." You'd pull off your hat and admit that you were actually Arnie the janitor and we'd all have a good laugh. But nope, not the case. So I think it's time that you answered some of my questions.
1. What makes you think you're better than the old pope?
So you think you can just come waltzing into people's lives and have them accept you with no questions asked? Well let me tell you something, buddy—Old Pope was my friend. In fact, he was my best friend in the whole world. We were like brothers. Me and Old Pope, or Pope Classic as I like to call him, hung out all the time. We went everywhere together: mini-golf, basketball games, titty bars, antique stores, casinos… we were practically inseparable. We went camping once a month. He'd take me out on his Pope boat and we'd go fishing. Do you even know the first thing about fishing, New Pope? I'll bet you don't.
I'll bet you don't know any good jokes about Hindus and Wiccans like Old Pope, either. Old Pope was a laugh riot. He was great at parties. He brightened up the room wherever he went.
If we were out drunk driving around town and accidentally killed a guy, would you help me bury the body? Probably not. Old Pope would've, because he was awesome. You're not my real Pope. I hate you.
2. How good are you in a fight?
I'm not asking you to kill the Devil or anything, but what about a very small demon? Like an imp or a really drunk leprechaun? Do you think you could handle that? I'm guessing you must have some sort of magical powers, right? Maybe a few enchanted weapons and holy relics from the Vatican? A holy water super-soaker? A flaming crucifix sword? A raygun that runs on prayers, maybe? Holy hand grenades? If a pack of wild hellhounds burst into the room and started eating freshly baptized babies, how would you handle the situation?
I once saw Old Pope take down a class five arch-demon in a fucking cage match. You know what else? I bet on him. I won a thousand bucks. I'd never bet on you, New Pope. I think you'd lose. I think you'd lose bad.
3. What do you even do?
I honestly know nothing about popes. Are you like the church king wizard? God's sheriff? Do you fight crime in the Popemobile? Do you guard Vatican treasures from international saboteurs? Do you grant wishes? Why are you important? I didn't even vote for you, you know.
New Pope, I have a confession to make. I made up all that shit about Old Pope. I don't actually know him at all. I never really had a father growing up, and sometimes I project. But I still think the old pope was probably a better pope than you. I believe that each new pope is worse than the previous one, which would make you the worst pope in history. You should probably go ahead and resign now.
4. Kids? Really? Still?
I thought I could get through this without a pedo joke, but I just can't. You know why? Because that's what the audience expects. Think about that for a second. You can't even begin to discuss Catholic Priests without everyone secretly thinking, "Oh boy, there's gonna be a humdinger of a kid-fucking joke coming up." Because everyone secretly uses the word humdinger. Christ, man, it's not even fun anymore! It's a stale punch line. You guys have done that shit so much for so long that there's no sport in mocking it anymore.
Does the Virgin Mary know what you guys are doing? You really think she would approve? Hell, what am I saying, she doesn't even know where babies come from and she let her son get slowly murdered because she lost a bet with the sky. Worst parent ever.
Seriously, New Pope, can't you get your priests under control? Have them neutered or buy them a couch to hump or something? Or here's a crazy idea: how about letting them have some honest-to-god adult pussy once in a while. Do you have any idea how many hot ass porn genres have been accidentally spawned by Catholicism? Lesbian Catholic schoolgirls. Latex bondage nuns. What's not to like about that?
And why boys? Isn't that kind of gay? I thought you guys hated gays. Is there some sort of age requirement before it becomes full-on gay? Or a height requirement? What about midgets or forty year old dudes with that Gary Coleman disease? Would that work? Hell, at least when Mormons fuck 12-year-olds they have the decency to marry them first.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking What about Michael Jackson? How come he got to touch kids and we don't? I'll tell you why. Because Michael Jackson had a roller coaster, and molestation without rollercoasters is like date rape without lobster. It's just fucking wrong.