Good morning. I'm picking the games a little tardy due to scheduling conflicts (vodka and orange juice) and for that I apologize. To help me wake up, I'm drinking green tea. For those of you who are stupid, green tea is not coffee and coffee kicks ass.
After last week, I am less than thrilled about the prospect of getting any of these games right. This weeks picks is all acrostics. Should be fun.
As always, HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
Bengals (-3) over CHIEFS
Because I can't really
Enjoy the prospect of
Negotiating a win for Herm Edwards, I'm
Going with the
Ample offense of the
Lawless and
Soft Bengals.
JAGUARS (-6.5) over Texans
Just because the
Awesome Texans have an X in their
Goddamn name, I decided to pick the team from the
United States' largest city
And am already
Regretting it.
Shoot me now.
BROWNS (-4) over Dolphins
Because
Really now, I mean the Dolphins
Own the
Word Suck.
No word yet on how they
Spell it, though.
BEARS (-4.5) over Vikings
Basically,
Everyone is counting them out.
All right, so they have no offense but
Really, I mean, Devin Hester is
Still Devin Hester.
Eagles (-3.5) over JETS
Easily, the
Alignment of the stars makes it known that
God hates the Jets and
Loves
Everyone else. I blame their leased
Stadium and losing ways.
Rams (+9) over RAVENS
Rams fans can rejoice,
Awful is the nine point spread,
My Dad will waste his time watching this mess
So I wish him good luck.
BUCS (-3) over Titans
Because you see, we
Uh, can't be that bad. We won some
Close games and yeah… all the teams we've beat
Suck. Hopefully that will change.
PACKERS (-3) over Redskins
Please Favre, just put
All that you got into this last season
‘Cause I don't want to see you
Killing your town with
Easy interceptions again next year.
Really Brett, it's okay. You're old.
Say goodbye already.
Panthers (+5.5) over CARDINALS
Picking the Panthers is
An easy decision when
No other team stands a chance against
The child of God at QB.
He who never drinks ages slower, it has been said.
Everyone knows though that the
Reality is partying makes you tough as
Shit.
Patriots (-5.5) over DALLAS
Pissed.
Awesome.
Totally dominate.
Righteous cheaters.
I never pick against the
Only team that scares me
To the point where I hope
Some of their players die.
Raiders (+9.5) over CHARGERS
Raider fans must be
Aware of Norv Turner's awful coaching,
Insane play calling,
Deadpan sideline face and
Easy demeanor. He
Really
Sucks at coaching.
Saints (+5.5) over SEAHAWKS
Seahawks
Ain't got their shit together.
In fact, they are
Nothing like last year.
That is a shame for the city of
Seattle. For me it means nothing though so I'm okay.
Giants (-3.5) over FALCONS
Forget the
Awesome play of years passed.
Losers for now and next year,
Can't get on the same page.
Only Coach Petrino knows the game plan,
No one else on the team knows what to do
So I pick against them again.
Labels: NFL_picks