ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:
This is CEO Bruce ‘The Bruce' Livingston. There will be consequences for those forgetting to attach cover sheets to all reports, even those sent via e-mail. MAKE SURE you're attaching those cover sheets.
Alright, if you're still reading this, it's probably becuase you're wondering whether I'll say anything about my appearance on NBC Dateline‘s To Catch A Predator over the weekend.
You guys all probably had a good laugh once you got wind that I would be on this show. You probably sent an e-mail out to all branches of the office letting them know this juicy tidbit of gossip. You all probably got together and watched me be completely FUCKING humiliated on national tv over at Brad's house, on his big screen.
While I can't fire you guys for doing this, it does not sit well with management, let me tell ya. Management equaling me. So the next time I'm on To Catch A Predator, you guys better not tell anyone. You understand?
Listen, I could explain my actions, justify what I've done. Trust me, it's not what it seems. I could explain everything, but you wouldn't believe me.
You all think you're so FUCKING great, don't you? You think you're better than me because you don't try and solicit young girls over the internet to perform sexual favors with you? The Bible says "Judge others lest ye be judged yourself," right after the part about "12 years old is legal in God's eyes."
The purpose of this e-mail is to assure you all that my arrest, trial, conviction, and sentencing will not affect in any way the planned upcoming office activities, specifically:
- BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY: Please, everyone, bring in your daughter or daughters on this day. This event will go as planned and will actually be pushed up to happen before I go to prison. And since I won't be here for the next couple of years, the Bring Your Daughter To Work days from the years I'll be gone will be pushed up to the same week as this year's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, and the following week too. It'll just be some jam-packed Bring Your Daughter To Work days and weeks leading right up to when I leave for prison.
- COMPANY ACTIVITY DAY: Our annual day of fun, food, and activities will be happening again very soon! I can't wait! Make sure to bring all your family. There will be plenty of things to keep your little ones occupied and having fun, so make sure to bring all your little boys and girls. We'll all have a blast! Planned activities for the children include sack races, ball toss, sack toss, salad toss, and rub n' tug. I will also have a Haunted House in my office that I'll call the "Cave of Innocence!" where I will bring the children back to. Many delights and amusements will be there for your children in my office, with me. I look forward to getting to know your family and giving them memories for years to come (like 3 to 5 years).
- FAMILY PHOTO WALL: Please, continue bringing in pictures of your family and children, even your nephews and nieces. Even pictures of little kids you don't know. Pictures will be taken down and stored occasionally to make room for new ones that everyone should keep bringing in. Nothing spices up an office like pictures! The old 9 to 5 isn't so bad when an office is decorated with memories of home. Same goes for a prison cell. Your pictures will not be returned to you, so make sure you have copies.
That's it for now, I will talk to you all soon.