So, you're a stalker magnet. Way to be stalkable! Now, I know your initial reaction is probably something along the lines of fear or annoyance, but calm down. This isn't about you. Your stalkers work hard to keep tabs on you 24/7. While you lie in your comfy bed dreaming of a world without them, they're 6 inches below your mattress wishing you weren't too cheap to install carpeting and fighting exhaustion to stay awake just to listen to you breathe.
It's time to quit making this about you, and make your stalkers' lives easier. Here are 10 simple things you can do to help make a difference in a stalker's life today!
1. Choose a relatively empty garbage can when you need to throw something away.
It's important to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. After all, how would you like to stick your hand into a disgusting mass of parking tickets, vomit, and the occasional dead hooker's arm just to pull out someone's used tissue? Remember, your stalkers are building a collection of memorabilia, and that collection represents YOU. You want to subtly help your stalker create a collection that will reflect well on you. Throwing away an old photo of yourself? Rip it in half once, not into twenty little pieces. Imagine if you were the one who had to pick out each one and then painstakingly tape them together.
2. That guy who waits for you to walk by every day isn't just sitting there because he's bored. He's waiting for you.
You're very special to him. So special, in fact, that you'll probably find him waiting to offer to let you play with his puppy a good 7 or 8 times before noon. Not only that, but he doesn't even have it with him because he's concerned about it getting heat stroke. So even though what he says to you after that sounds a little like a pick up line and a lot like a threat, remember what great care he takes of his dog and give him a genuine smile before you sprint away.
3. I know you've been instructed by the authorities you contacted to change your route as often as possible, but that's just not fair.
Your stalkers have spent weeks, months even, learning exactly what time you leave, the route you take, and where you arrive so that they can be near you at all hours. They have worked hard to establish where the best places to hide along your route are, have made charts and graphs to determine where you're most likely to be on weekends and days off, and they've even done elaborate calculations to determine when and where you're most likely to be in a secluded area. Stick to your damn routine—they're doing their part, now you do yours!
4. Stop freaking out every time you're alone with someone you've gotten a restraining order against.
Was this really necessary? Come on, let's stop wasting our tax dollars on “domestic disputes.”Your stalker isn't looking to hurt you, he or she just wants you to love them the way they love you. Well, most likely. Mistakes happen, and nobody's perfect (except you, in the eyes of your stalker). So quit obsessing over having a safety buddy with you at all times. A rape whistle is just as effective, and it doesn't chatter constantly. You'll be less irritated, and in turn will have more patience for your stalker, who is really quite friendly despite a severe lack of social skills.
5. Either don't use privacy settings on Facebook or friend all of your stalkers.
It doesn't matter which, the important thing is that they have access to your pictures for times when they can't see you—like those rare occasions when the public restroom you're using doesn't have giant gaps between the door and the neighboring stalls, or when they have to be in court for various problems you've caused them. Similarly if one of your stalkers goes to jail, visit. It's only polite after all the time they've invested in you, and if you want to be a really good stalkee, bring them cookies and some of your fingernail clippings, if that's what they're into.
6. Make an effort to look nice.
Wear flattering clothes, maintain good posture, and smile pleasantly. Having stalkers is kind of like being a trophy wife—they want to show you off to their stalker friends. Your job is to look attractive so that their fellow stalkers are impressed by their taste in victims.
7. Consider online dating.
This gives your stalkers a chance to pose as different people and trick you into meeting them. Don't think of it as being used, think of it as helping them hone their acting abilities. Besides, after the reports you've filed, they'll need that acting ability in court. Should you be alarmed upon discovering that the cute lacrosse player is actually one of your most frequent restraining order violators, remember that if you stay on the date you get a free meal.
8. Sure, the 4am phone calls with nothing but heavy breathing on the other end aren't exactly your definition of a stimulating conversation, but it's rude to hang up on people.
Besides, they'll just call back. Consider instead telling a story, singing, or even reading a book aloud. If you're lucky they'll fall asleep and you'll be able to tiptoe over to your closet and lock the door, trapping them inside. Just remember to unlock it in the morning so they can hide under your bed before you get dressed—you don't want them to know that you know they're there.
9. Consider swapping your pepper spray for cologne.
This is more a favor to yourself, because stalking doesn't leave a lot of time to shower or use an actual restroom, and it can be frustrating when someone you have frequent close contact with smells like fierce determination and a urinal. By using cologne instead of pepper spray, you're not only increasing your own tolerance for your stalker, you can also take comfort in the fact that it will still cause pain if it gets in your stalker's eyes, meaning that you'll have a good 5 or so seconds to run away should the need arise.
10. Describe your stalkers to your neighbors, but say that they are family members.
No one is surprised by a creepy uncle, and it will justify your stalkers being outside your windows all the time. Dealing with the police is a hassle, and if your neighbors think your stalker is a relative, they will be much more accepting. Finally, consider living next door to someone more attractive and interesting than you—it's polite to offer your stalkers better alternatives.