G'day, Cobbers!
So, I was just informed by The Wire (as in the Internet, not the critically-acclaimed tv series; television doesn't talk back to me anymore since Xander on BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER told me to superglue my slutty sister's labia together whilst she slept and the judge made me take all these funny pink pills) that an American news reader took time out from reading the news- you know, her fucking JOB- to condemn Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd as a "Serial Killer" for his plan to put $15 million Australian dollars (I believe that translates to something like $200 American, or $10 and the little top-hat in Monopoly Money) into the effort to cull the feral camels that are roaming the Outback right now.
Yankee McNewsbimbo's outburst has made national headlines over here in Australia, for several reasons.
1] She's a stock-market reporter. Unless the Dow-Jones is advising everyone to liquidate their gold bullion and immediately invest in humps, I don't see how camels really enter into her sphere of expertise.
2] You can't really be a serial killer and be just bumping off animals. True, killing animals is one of the "Red Flags" we Forensics folks look for when it comes to profiling psychopaths, but just one of them. If solely slaughtering animals was the defining characteristics of serial murder, then I know a certain clown who'd be riding the MacLightning to Mayor Headcheese town about now.
3] She decries the upcoming cull as awful because "Australia is the last place on Earth where you can see wild camels". Yes- because they're an introduced species not native to this continent, you glorified window mannequin. Alongside foxes, goats and the big three- cats, cane toads and rabbits- camels are a serious pest here that are merrily wiping out native fauna even faster than the logging and mining industry. It's not like we're planning on machine-gunning baby koalas or running sugar gliders through wood-chippers. And anyway, is it any crueler than what Hollywood has done to another fine Australian creature, Hugh Jackman? Have you seen KATE AND LEOPOLD? Making the poor guy kiss Meg Ryan? That shit was just inhumane…
4] She also says that slaughtering them would be a "tremendous waste of meat and milk". Firstly- ughh. I think I'd rather eat a *person* than a camel- those things are ornery enough when they're alive- the meat would probably be so tough that it punched your internal organs individually on the way down.
Secondly, all non-domestic camels are *crawling* with parasites, including one of my favourites (it's my inner bug geek again) the Camel Bot Fly (Cephalopina tittilator) which lays its eggs on the camel's lips so it's easier for the maggots to crawl down the esophagus and set up residence in/suck blood from the camel's stomach. Mmmm! Camel Steak with Wriggling Rice, sounds delicious!
In short, this American newsreader has caused a serious diplomatic rift between our two countries, and we're not going to let you poach our hot young actors, let our cities double as your alien planets/post-apocalyptic warzones, or allow our crocodiles to feast on your tourists anymore until she is drawn and quartered.
By camel.
