(Yeah, this isn't suspicious at all…)
Dealing with dipshits, freezing your ass off (or sweating it off) and working every weekend, holiday or cool party sucks. So how do bouncers deal? Well, besides being pompous pricks? The answer lies in a magical nectar: Bulletproof Juice.
You always see the dudes at the door holding cans of Red Bull, paper coffee cups or bottles of water. Sometimes, they're drinking energy drinks, coffee or H20. Other times, it's Bulletproof Juice (or BPJ's for short).
Now, recipes differ. Sometimes it's as simple as Red Bull and vodka. Other times it's something as varied as vodka and Sugar Free Red Bull—bouncers don't like things too complicated.
But I also know bouncers like rum, Jager, or whiskey and Coke; Irish coffees as well as a water bottle full of Everclear—which is explained by my good buddy Crack: "Nobody thinks people drink just plain Everclear, so that's why I do it." Good enough reason for me.
My personal favorite is hot chocolate and Rumpleminz – that's 100 proof peppermint schnapps for you rookies.
Why Rumple? Well, because. That's why. And, it smells and tastes all minty, mixes well with just about nothing and did I mention it's 100 proof???
Some bouncers don't like to work drunk. Some do. Me? I only booze when I bounce when I'm really bored. Or when people bring me assloads of shots. Preferably, I never work shitcanned. Just buzzed. While some fine grain alcohol can make customers more tolerable, the cold not as cold, the job not as monotonous and me incredibly funnier, it can also mean I slur words, don't pay attention to fights or fuck some slut in the bathroom.
Wise folks, pirates and doctors have used alcohol as a painkiller for bajillions of years. And that's part of the reason bouncers drink BPJ's. And now, with this knowledge, you can too!
Can't feel your toes because of frostbite? Do your hands hurt from all the fightings (or late-night, tear-inducing masturbation sessions?) Or are you fucking tired of looking at the same fucking assholes in the same fucking place?
This can all be solved with copious amounts of drinking. Maybe you like your BPJ's in a coffee cup? Or perhaps drank out of the navel of a co-ed? Or you could just snort it like lines of, um, Pixie Sticks?
It's last call for me, KC for Bouncer Wisdom. But I'll see you next week. For another round, on me.
Any comments? Questions? Concerns?