(Yeah, it's a disgusting habit…)
Hi, how's it… hold on, let me spit real quick. Okay, now that I've got the Copenhagen juice out of my mouth, let me gross you out a little. Lots of bouncers chew. Yeah, even some of the black dudes. It's pretty revolting, I know. For some reason bars won't let you smoke cigs at the front door, but they don't give a damn about their bouncers spitting in plastic cups or on the floor. Doesn't make sense to me either.
Now, there are other reasons. Sometimes, depending on the size of your chaw, you can hide it better. Or, there's the fact that lots of bouncers are ex-wrestlers and boxers, and lots of those dudes are addicted to chewing to make weigh-ins. The main thing is bouncing is a fairly boring job.
Sometimes, the healthiest relationship bouncers have is with dipping.
Things always seem to happen just after popping in a pinch of Skoal. Like, the hottest chick you've ever seen who's desperate for love from some lunkhead approaches you but despises (you guessed it) Skoal. While you're trying to seem smooth and cool, instead you look like a backwoods hick drooling on himself.
Or some turdmuncher will hop out of the bathroom and ask to put his unwashed-penis-touching hands in your can for a lipper. And you've got to explain you like the regular flavor of your chew. Not dick flavor.
Then, every bouncer knows this story. "Dude, I just packed a huge dip, then a fight broke out. In the mayhem, I swallowed every last chunk of chew. So I accidentally barfed on the guy I was supposed to roll."
Here's my favorite bouncing and chewing tobacco tale. I used to work with this dude McB. He was big, tattooed and a hundred percent sober. Except he chewed constantly. And he loved to screw with people. If somebody copped an attitude and ended up getting thrown out, he'd give their shoes to a homeless person, give them a wedgie or find an even more embarrassing thing to do in front of them. (This dude, did not suck at one-liners like I do).
McB's signature move was a perfectly executed rear-naked choke (sleeper hold). If you want, this particular move knocks people out in seconds. If you've never been knocked out, waking up is terribly scary and confusing.
If McB felt the need to be an incredibly huge dick because a guy spat on him, tried to hit a girl or something along those lines, he'd choke them out. Then as they were unconscious, he'd reach into his back left pocket (always the left pocket), pull out his can of Kodiak and stuff the knocked-out asshole's mouth full of wintergreen chew.
Some people have the natural gag reaction when waking from a knockout. So they'd swallow whatever amount of chew they had in their mouth. Or spit it out. But that taste (or that puke taste) lasts a long time. For me, I can't even smell the stuff without churning my stomach.
You hope that these d-bags would learn not to be such d-bags, but some people gain new knowledge at slower speeds, so you've got to keep teachin' em.
But that's all for me, kc and Bouncer Wisdom. It's last call or something. I'll see you next week.